Say you're studying for a very important test and you've got to put in lots of effort because you've got to score well on this test. So you spend lots of time and even though it's so difficult to concentrate and get everything into your head, you still feel comforted that at the end of a few weeks things will go back to normal because the test will be over. Or when you're having a really busy month because of all the things you signed up for, but you know you will finish up with them soon and then life goes back to how it was before. So if you were to plot a graph, they are like the little ups and downs but ultimately you still achieve an equilibrium. 

But I don't see it like that the day that you left because I don't even think there's a going back anymore. It's like no matter how things impacted me I can still go back to "the every day life" but your absence makes me feel like something is amiss. And the scary thing is I can't remember what it felt like before this because all I feel is a gaping hole in me and every day I fill it up with time spent on my own or with other people but when I come home to the echoes of my room, I somehow empty all the time I spent trying to fill up that void and I am left with anxiety about what's going to happen to me. 

The way I see it is that there is no equilibrium this time. I can't simple finally climb up after this setback and then go back to jogging on my little straight line again. It's as if I've left the old line away and then embarked on an entirely different scale and started another life again. And that's what's scaring me. 

It's not like one day I woke up and I decided that I grew up a little and I have to start on a clean slate. Or it isn't that the day I watched your back instead of your face and I realised how broken I'd be. It's just that it's been so long and I feel that the only way to go about to look at this is that we are on a plane that only goes up and I can't look back any longer. And that there's no looking back. It just goes on and on and on and on.

I don't like change. Especially changes that are not made by me. And changes that jumble up my life and make it all weird and funny. But change is the only constant in our lives, whether I like it or not. I feel its presence everywhere and every time but I can never stop it. Perhaps it's almost as powerful and complicated as time.

Say you're studying for a very important test and you've got to put in lots of effort because you've got to score well on this test. So you spend lots of time and even though it's so difficult to concentrate and get everything into your head, you still feel comforted that at the end of a few weeks things will go back to normal because the test will be over. Or when you're having a really busy month because of all the things you signed up for, but you know you will finish up with them soon and then life goes back to how it was before. So if you were to plot a graph, they are like the little ups and downs but ultimately you still achieve an equilibrium. 

But I don't see it like that the day that you left because I don't even think there's a going back anymore. It's like no matter how things impacted me I can still go back to "the every day life" but your absence makes me feel like something is amiss. And the scary thing is I can't remember what it felt like before this because all I feel is a gaping hole in me and every day I fill it up with time spent on my own or with other people but when I come home to the echoes of my room, I somehow empty all the time I spent trying to fill up that void and I am left with anxiety about what's going to happen to me. 

The way I see it is that there is no equilibrium this time. I can't simple finally climb up after this setback and then go back to jogging on my little straight line again. It's as if I've left the old line away and then embarked on an entirely different scale and started another life again. And that's what's scaring me. 

It's not like one day I woke up and I decided that I grew up a little and I have to start on a clean slate. Or it isn't that the day I watched your back instead of your face and I realised how broken I'd be. It's just that it's been so long and I feel that the only way to go about to look at this is that we are on a plane that only goes up and I can't look back any longer. And that there's no looking back. It just goes on and on and on and on.

I don't like change. Especially changes that are not made by me. And changes that jumble up my life and make it all weird and funny. But change is the only constant in our lives, whether I like it or not. I feel its presence everywhere and every time but I can never stop it. Perhaps it's almost as powerful and complicated as time.