Busy with PW now. Can't believe an entire year (almost) of work is going to end in just a few days, and am definitely not prepared for Oral Presentation. Had our first rehearsal with Mr Leo today and I think I failed really badly. I think it's not that I don't have the confidence to speak to a crowd, but more of because I cannot articulate my thoughts properly. And that really sucks a lot, especially when I try to impromptu what I have to say. I've always been pretty bad at presentations I guess. And I'm really very worried and nervous. Don't want to get anything less than an A for PW because I'm banking on this!!! It's like, I don't think I'll do well enough for my actual papers so I have to seize the opportunity and score for something that doesn't require me to mug my brains out for. 

I know what I want to do in the future but I'm not even sure if it's feasible for me. It's easy for people to say "just work hard, and get good grades, then you can do whatever you want". But when it comes to the real thing it is so difficult because I'm not someone who gets good grades consistently and it's going to be such an uphill task to do well. Sometimes no matter how much effort you put in you can never do as well as the rest and I really don't think it's so much about whether or not you have a good foundation and all that shit. But it's just unnerving to think that I don't have a plan how my entire life is going to work out when it's so close to growing up and taking charge of my life forever. 

Sometimes I wonder if everything was even real. Sometimes I struggle to figure out what exactly happened when you were still around here with me. I don't even see you anymore, which makes everything more like a dream. It's only when the memories hit me like a torrential downpour and I end up crying and hurting that I feel like it's real. Because nothing imagined ever hurt that bad. But I don't want that. I don't want the fears and sadness to keep me alive. I want to remember good things that happened, things you said and places we've went. I keep recalling all those things and I don't know whether or not it's supposed to make me smile or make me feel all torn up inside. I have things that remind me of you but I'm not sure if chucking them or keeping them as they are would do me better. 

Why did I sink so deep?

I don't want to be replaced, even if it's inevitable. As much as I want it, I fear the day when it doesn't hurt to think about you anymore. I don't want to be forgotten so easily. I don't want you to move on even though I want you to. Where do I go from here? I am so pathetic. Never imagined it'd end like this. 

So many things to think about and worry about. I don't know why I'm even doing this. It makes me feel better, but also worse at the same time.

Anyway, I learnt a very important lesson today and surprisingly from a Korean drama that I was watching. So basically, this murderer who got out of jail was seeking revenge on this girl that testified against him ten years ago. So he murdered her mother and it got complicated because he burned the shop down, making it look like an accident and him the hero who tried to save the mother. And dramas being dramas, how the woman's boyfriend was the defending lawyer and he didn't believe that the murderer was the one who killed the woman's mother. And what was the most meaningful part was the mother's last words. And she said something along the lines of not wasting our life consumed with hatred for anyone. There's not enough time to even love the people around us so we shouldn't waste our life carrying hate inside of us. And I thought it was very meaningful, not because I hate anyone now or anything, but because this life is really too short and as cliche as it sounds, if we live it right once, once is enough. So we have to seize every opportunity to live our lives to the fullest, and being overwhelmed by negative emotions for our entire life is really useless and such a waste. 

Busy with PW now. Can't believe an entire year (almost) of work is going to end in just a few days, and am definitely not prepared for Oral Presentation. Had our first rehearsal with Mr Leo today and I think I failed really badly. I think it's not that I don't have the confidence to speak to a crowd, but more of because I cannot articulate my thoughts properly. And that really sucks a lot, especially when I try to impromptu what I have to say. I've always been pretty bad at presentations I guess. And I'm really very worried and nervous. Don't want to get anything less than an A for PW because I'm banking on this!!! It's like, I don't think I'll do well enough for my actual papers so I have to seize the opportunity and score for something that doesn't require me to mug my brains out for. 

I know what I want to do in the future but I'm not even sure if it's feasible for me. It's easy for people to say "just work hard, and get good grades, then you can do whatever you want". But when it comes to the real thing it is so difficult because I'm not someone who gets good grades consistently and it's going to be such an uphill task to do well. Sometimes no matter how much effort you put in you can never do as well as the rest and I really don't think it's so much about whether or not you have a good foundation and all that shit. But it's just unnerving to think that I don't have a plan how my entire life is going to work out when it's so close to growing up and taking charge of my life forever. 

Sometimes I wonder if everything was even real. Sometimes I struggle to figure out what exactly happened when you were still around here with me. I don't even see you anymore, which makes everything more like a dream. It's only when the memories hit me like a torrential downpour and I end up crying and hurting that I feel like it's real. Because nothing imagined ever hurt that bad. But I don't want that. I don't want the fears and sadness to keep me alive. I want to remember good things that happened, things you said and places we've went. I keep recalling all those things and I don't know whether or not it's supposed to make me smile or make me feel all torn up inside. I have things that remind me of you but I'm not sure if chucking them or keeping them as they are would do me better. 

Why did I sink so deep?

I don't want to be replaced, even if it's inevitable. As much as I want it, I fear the day when it doesn't hurt to think about you anymore. I don't want to be forgotten so easily. I don't want you to move on even though I want you to. Where do I go from here? I am so pathetic. Never imagined it'd end like this. 

So many things to think about and worry about. I don't know why I'm even doing this. It makes me feel better, but also worse at the same time.

Anyway, I learnt a very important lesson today and surprisingly from a Korean drama that I was watching. So basically, this murderer who got out of jail was seeking revenge on this girl that testified against him ten years ago. So he murdered her mother and it got complicated because he burned the shop down, making it look like an accident and him the hero who tried to save the mother. And dramas being dramas, how the woman's boyfriend was the defending lawyer and he didn't believe that the murderer was the one who killed the woman's mother. And what was the most meaningful part was the mother's last words. And she said something along the lines of not wasting our life consumed with hatred for anyone. There's not enough time to even love the people around us so we shouldn't waste our life carrying hate inside of us. And I thought it was very meaningful, not because I hate anyone now or anything, but because this life is really too short and as cliche as it sounds, if we live it right once, once is enough. So we have to seize every opportunity to live our lives to the fullest, and being overwhelmed by negative emotions for our entire life is really useless and such a waste.