Frankly, I am pretty excited about Taylor Swift's new album because of her new attitude and everything, and she's just incredibly funny and hilarious. And also because I've lost touch with music for a really long time and would like to immerse myself in it once again. (I don't even go to school with my earpiece anymore why oh why) But her music sounds so different now, where did the country genre go to?

During this period of time, I've learnt a lot of things. Not just about myself but the people around me, so I guess I am less oblivious about things around me. I don't jaywalk as much now because I don't have you to hold my hand when I cross the road or to look out for cars myself so I always opt for keeping myself. I've also learnt to find my way about without you, and to do things myself. You used to plan my routes for me and found out what buses or trains I should take, or you'd send me to my destination and made sure I got to where I wanted to. I could call you whenever I got lost and you'd figure out how to save me from wherever. Today I didn't know how to get to where I wanted to go but I still had to try and I ended up walking the distance of three bus stops but it doesn't matter because I've got to keep doing this. I never learn my lesson and I always forget to bring my jacket for lectures but I've got to learn how to sit on my hands to warm myself or run out for toilet breaks to escape the cold because you won't be there to chuck me your hoodie or make me get out of the auditorium so that I can have it. Some days I run short of money but I've got to learn to ration my funds or simply do with what I have because you aren't there and you won't be there to slip money into my bag or to lend me all your loose change that you keep in the front pocket of your bag. 

I've also learnt that I've got to start making plans for myself. I realised that why I keep thinking about you is because I shared almost everything in my life with you. Things that I saw, things that happened, things that I heard. Everything. But now when you're not here, I've got to learn to keep them in because there's simply no one to tell these things to anymore. Perhaps some day I'll go to places we wanted to go. Not now, but soon enough. Because I plan to see the world, with or without you, and it's such a beautiful place; I don't want to miss out on anything. I've got to learn how to deal with bad days and happy days and difficult days and stop thinking that I've got someone to run to every time I need help. It's time to be independent, self-sufficient. It's time to be enough for myself. Times when I miss my meals and my stomach acts up again, it's time for me to learn that I have to stop working and get enough medicine to last me 'til the next time it happens and make sure I take care of myself. It's all about yourself anyway. I can't believe I've become so dependent and it's time to start living for myself. You've got to be your own motivation and your own inspiration. 

I can't stand it when people ask me to "grow up" because growing up doesn't just mean having more responsibilities and having to do all these shitty stuff. It's also about learning what the real world is like. My dad says everyone just works for themselves and it's such a dog-eat-dog world and that's just gross and upsetting. And you can call me naive and stupid and foolish but I taught that as long as we want something badly enough we will do all it takes to get it, and we won't care about obstacles and factors that appear along the way. But well, apparently it isn't like that. Sometimes love isn't enough. And people are not that innocent, people are not that simple. Not everyone is what they appear to be. I just think that there is no need to be complicated but no one seems to understand that I guess.

On the bright side, I've also learnt about the good sides of the people, and that these sides may not always be what we can see but when you do, it's just so amazing and so great. And I will always be thankful for everything that everyone has done. And I've also learnt that to live is to be fearless. Not that you totally diminish any fear. It's having fear, even when it burns in your lungs and your heart but you do what you fear the most anyway. And I'll keep doing that, and I don't care what people say because if you live life on the edge, you're going to fall and scrape your knees and hit your head so hard that you can't think but that's going to bring you to more places than those who choose to always stay on the safe side. Only then can we experience such a wide spectrum of emotions and to live and to laugh and to love. 

In the beginning of the year, someone told me that if I wanted to do well for Literature, I had to feel. And she said I seem to be someone who has no opinion and doesn't feel for anything and that's going to be really difficult for me. I disagree. I think I feel too much. I think I feel so much that I choose not to feel sometimes because I know that when I feel, I can feel for hours and days and months and years and sometimes it's so painful to do that so I just stop altogether. I only want to feel for things worth feeling for; things that will keep me up at night in an intriguing kind of way. Not the restless kind of way. And I want to be happy and sad whenever I feel like it. No one's to say I can't. I'm going to be whatever I want to be and be however I am. And one day I'll find someone who accepts me no matter how silly I sound when I talk about my dreams, or how I think of the world like a child, or how I get fascinated at everything I see, or how I sit on things and refuse to make decisions, or how I spend endless nights thinking about the kind of person I am. Someone who might not be exactly the same but at least someone who'd understand. 

I wish I could make good music. 

Also learning how to make peace with myself. It's not going to be easy and some days I don't have the guts to let emotions wash over myself so that I can deal with them. But it will take time. And I've got to be patient and wait. 

"You're gonna lose people in your life. And realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how much you appreciate them and told them so, it will never seem like it was enough."

Frankly, I am pretty excited about Taylor Swift's new album because of her new attitude and everything, and she's just incredibly funny and hilarious. And also because I've lost touch with music for a really long time and would like to immerse myself in it once again. (I don't even go to school with my earpiece anymore why oh why) But her music sounds so different now, where did the country genre go to?

During this period of time, I've learnt a lot of things. Not just about myself but the people around me, so I guess I am less oblivious about things around me. I don't jaywalk as much now because I don't have you to hold my hand when I cross the road or to look out for cars myself so I always opt for keeping myself. I've also learnt to find my way about without you, and to do things myself. You used to plan my routes for me and found out what buses or trains I should take, or you'd send me to my destination and made sure I got to where I wanted to. I could call you whenever I got lost and you'd figure out how to save me from wherever. Today I didn't know how to get to where I wanted to go but I still had to try and I ended up walking the distance of three bus stops but it doesn't matter because I've got to keep doing this. I never learn my lesson and I always forget to bring my jacket for lectures but I've got to learn how to sit on my hands to warm myself or run out for toilet breaks to escape the cold because you won't be there to chuck me your hoodie or make me get out of the auditorium so that I can have it. Some days I run short of money but I've got to learn to ration my funds or simply do with what I have because you aren't there and you won't be there to slip money into my bag or to lend me all your loose change that you keep in the front pocket of your bag. 

I've also learnt that I've got to start making plans for myself. I realised that why I keep thinking about you is because I shared almost everything in my life with you. Things that I saw, things that happened, things that I heard. Everything. But now when you're not here, I've got to learn to keep them in because there's simply no one to tell these things to anymore. Perhaps some day I'll go to places we wanted to go. Not now, but soon enough. Because I plan to see the world, with or without you, and it's such a beautiful place; I don't want to miss out on anything. I've got to learn how to deal with bad days and happy days and difficult days and stop thinking that I've got someone to run to every time I need help. It's time to be independent, self-sufficient. It's time to be enough for myself. Times when I miss my meals and my stomach acts up again, it's time for me to learn that I have to stop working and get enough medicine to last me 'til the next time it happens and make sure I take care of myself. It's all about yourself anyway. I can't believe I've become so dependent and it's time to start living for myself. You've got to be your own motivation and your own inspiration. 

I can't stand it when people ask me to "grow up" because growing up doesn't just mean having more responsibilities and having to do all these shitty stuff. It's also about learning what the real world is like. My dad says everyone just works for themselves and it's such a dog-eat-dog world and that's just gross and upsetting. And you can call me naive and stupid and foolish but I taught that as long as we want something badly enough we will do all it takes to get it, and we won't care about obstacles and factors that appear along the way. But well, apparently it isn't like that. Sometimes love isn't enough. And people are not that innocent, people are not that simple. Not everyone is what they appear to be. I just think that there is no need to be complicated but no one seems to understand that I guess.

On the bright side, I've also learnt about the good sides of the people, and that these sides may not always be what we can see but when you do, it's just so amazing and so great. And I will always be thankful for everything that everyone has done. And I've also learnt that to live is to be fearless. Not that you totally diminish any fear. It's having fear, even when it burns in your lungs and your heart but you do what you fear the most anyway. And I'll keep doing that, and I don't care what people say because if you live life on the edge, you're going to fall and scrape your knees and hit your head so hard that you can't think but that's going to bring you to more places than those who choose to always stay on the safe side. Only then can we experience such a wide spectrum of emotions and to live and to laugh and to love. 

In the beginning of the year, someone told me that if I wanted to do well for Literature, I had to feel. And she said I seem to be someone who has no opinion and doesn't feel for anything and that's going to be really difficult for me. I disagree. I think I feel too much. I think I feel so much that I choose not to feel sometimes because I know that when I feel, I can feel for hours and days and months and years and sometimes it's so painful to do that so I just stop altogether. I only want to feel for things worth feeling for; things that will keep me up at night in an intriguing kind of way. Not the restless kind of way. And I want to be happy and sad whenever I feel like it. No one's to say I can't. I'm going to be whatever I want to be and be however I am. And one day I'll find someone who accepts me no matter how silly I sound when I talk about my dreams, or how I think of the world like a child, or how I get fascinated at everything I see, or how I sit on things and refuse to make decisions, or how I spend endless nights thinking about the kind of person I am. Someone who might not be exactly the same but at least someone who'd understand. 

I wish I could make good music. 

Also learning how to make peace with myself. It's not going to be easy and some days I don't have the guts to let emotions wash over myself so that I can deal with them. But it will take time. And I've got to be patient and wait. 

"You're gonna lose people in your life. And realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how much you appreciate them and told them so, it will never seem like it was enough."