"Stay with me."

Sports Carnival was great, from the looks of it. Didn't get to participate (I wasn't complaining because the sun was crazy) but it looked like lots of fun from where I was sitting so feeling really grateful and thankful that our school has such events because I think we definitely need a break from time to time.

Don't usually talk about this but since it's been 6 months and since I was thinking about it, I thought I should document it down. We've finally hit the 6 months mark and in these 6 months I honestly thought we wouldn't make it for various reasons, which is kind of bad on my part because I don't know, I guess I'm just a more pessimistic person (it's his job to be the optimistic one anyway). And it was hard because of our circumstances and environment and everything. I am guilty of looking at people being together and wondering what the hell what happened there, but that isn't what I'm concerned about. I mean, I used to be concerned about it and I made selfish conditions and promises that he had to agree to in the beginning but as time passes, I realised not giving a shit about what people think is definitely a good choice. Because who cares, you're not the one I'm trying to please. I guess we've been more open, and now we don't have to hide (as much) and things are better and we have more time together.

But one thing that's always nagging at me is that we can never be together in the presence of other people simply because they don't like it and they don't want it. We can never sit at the same table with people we know around not because it's awkward but because it's frowned upon. I have to wait 'til I'm alone or I leave somewhere before we can actually talk or do anything and it really really really gets tiring because it's like we cannot co-exist with other things. 

Sure, we always feel good when people compliment us but that isn't what we're living for anyway. But I think it hurts a lot not when people don't support us (no, it was never what I wanted) but more of when people just don't like it. All the snarky remarks and cutting comments they give, or comparing us to other people and saying we're not as great; I think it hurts a lot even though I know I shouldn't care about it.

And most of all, I think it hurts the most when I am not strong enough to ignore all these comments because I'm always so affected by what think about me, that I can never cheer him up or make him feel better when he says we don't have enough time together. This is exactly the problem, but I can't even do anything about it. 

I don't really care when people make fun of us without the intention to hurt us or when they "guailan" (I'm sorry I couldn't find a proper English word for this and this encapsulates the meaning very well) us because I know they're just kidding and sometimes it's really hilarious and funny, and I know they mean well. But I care when people instantly walk away not to give us time together but because they just can't stand being there, or when they tell us we're not as good as people and I don't even know what I can do because he's a great great great person and not many know of it because he never makes his presence felt but I swear that when he does he really shines through but sometimes he gets sad and he needs people around him but I don't know when I'll ever be good enough to be there.

Oh well, I made more sushi for myself and even though it tastes gross he taught me that mayonnaise just makes everything taste good.

me.    

"Stay with me."

Sports Carnival was great, from the looks of it. Didn't get to participate (I wasn't complaining because the sun was crazy) but it looked like lots of fun from where I was sitting so feeling really grateful and thankful that our school has such events because I think we definitely need a break from time to time.

Don't usually talk about this but since it's been 6 months and since I was thinking about it, I thought I should document it down. We've finally hit the 6 months mark and in these 6 months I honestly thought we wouldn't make it for various reasons, which is kind of bad on my part because I don't know, I guess I'm just a more pessimistic person (it's his job to be the optimistic one anyway). And it was hard because of our circumstances and environment and everything. I am guilty of looking at people being together and wondering what the hell what happened there, but that isn't what I'm concerned about. I mean, I used to be concerned about it and I made selfish conditions and promises that he had to agree to in the beginning but as time passes, I realised not giving a shit about what people think is definitely a good choice. Because who cares, you're not the one I'm trying to please. I guess we've been more open, and now we don't have to hide (as much) and things are better and we have more time together.

But one thing that's always nagging at me is that we can never be together in the presence of other people simply because they don't like it and they don't want it. We can never sit at the same table with people we know around not because it's awkward but because it's frowned upon. I have to wait 'til I'm alone or I leave somewhere before we can actually talk or do anything and it really really really gets tiring because it's like we cannot co-exist with other things. 

Sure, we always feel good when people compliment us but that isn't what we're living for anyway. But I think it hurts a lot not when people don't support us (no, it was never what I wanted) but more of when people just don't like it. All the snarky remarks and cutting comments they give, or comparing us to other people and saying we're not as great; I think it hurts a lot even though I know I shouldn't care about it.

And most of all, I think it hurts the most when I am not strong enough to ignore all these comments because I'm always so affected by what think about me, that I can never cheer him up or make him feel better when he says we don't have enough time together. This is exactly the problem, but I can't even do anything about it. 

I don't really care when people make fun of us without the intention to hurt us or when they "guailan" (I'm sorry I couldn't find a proper English word for this and this encapsulates the meaning very well) us because I know they're just kidding and sometimes it's really hilarious and funny, and I know they mean well. But I care when people instantly walk away not to give us time together but because they just can't stand being there, or when they tell us we're not as good as people and I don't even know what I can do because he's a great great great person and not many know of it because he never makes his presence felt but I swear that when he does he really shines through but sometimes he gets sad and he needs people around him but I don't know when I'll ever be good enough to be there.

Oh well, I made more sushi for myself and even though it tastes gross he taught me that mayonnaise just makes everything taste good.

me.