I don't think I am the easiest person to be with and I am such an insecure being. Not because I don't ever feel confident because there are days when I feel good about everything around me, including myself. I think it's more of the fact that I get so easily affected by every single thing and somehow even something that has nothing to do with me but seemingly reflects something in my life can get me crashing down and I don't know why, but it takes me ages to get back up on my feet and remind myself that life goes on and that's just how it is. But never once did you complain. I never felt your anger, I never felt any unhappiness or bitterness towards me and even though sometimes I point the finger back at you and ask you to stop being angry with me, but deep down I know you never will because that's not you. And I am eternally grateful for that because not everyone understands how it feels like to be so upset that you just want to shut down and not talk to anyone. Sometimes you try to understand and trying is the word, and in the process I feel how hard it can get to back off and just leave me alone. But you know when to stop and when to continue and even when you don't, you never turn your back and leave me wallowing in self-pity because you know that I need you to help me stand up.

You're not that funny or entertaining even though you're just a ball of amusement sometimes and I can't believe the things you say because it's just so stupid that I want to just engulf you and keep you forever. I know sometimes you feel so guilty and useless and helpless for not knowing how to make you feel better and I can't seem to make you understand that sometimes all I need isn't for you to say the right things but just be there and let me feel your presence because that's all I'd ever need. You don't need to tell me you'll be here, or who you'll beat up for me, or what I should do. But just be there.

Things haven't been going easy. And it isn't your fault. You would beg to defer but I thought I ought to be honest with myself. I am a very difficult person. And you seldom (VERY) do anything wrong to make me mad or upset. But I have to say that things screw me over sometimes and I stop thinking rationally. It's kind of like a fight or flight reaction, and I never ever ever choose "fight" because I always get tired of fighting the bad emotions off, so I just end up settling for "flight" every single time without fail and I would push everyone away because it's always easier if I deal with this my own way. But being who you are, you won't rest until you've squeezed every ounce of sadness out of me and I just keep getting angry at you not because you press me for what's happening, but more of because you're breaking down this wall I built towards you a long time ago to keep you out because I was afraid you'd be who I thought you were, and hurt me all over. You are breaking down those walls and forcing me out of my comfort zone and making me face my feelings without running away from them and I can't I can't I can't, that's why I always have to avoid you and hit you where it hurts the most. I am sorry, but I am more sorry for what I put you through just because of myself. That's incredibly selfish but I could never differentiate being selfless and selfish because in some ways they are the same to me but you are proving me wrong and I am sorry. 

I like the way you wipe my tears away when I cry, though that's the most cliche shit I've seen in movies and it makes people swoon and all. It isn't because of that. But because it's like you are trying to wipe away all my signs of weakness because you can't stand seeing them and it's like a promise that you would help me find myself to become a fighter again. I knew there'd be a day you'd see me cry over what we have, but I didn't know it would be that soon. I like the way you tell me you're not going to go and that you'll keep fighting no matter how I keep ruining things and wrecking havoc and that you look me in the eye so I know you're not exasperated, which is how I feel about myself most of the time. I know that you're like my personal builder to the hurricane that I am, that you'd pick up the pieces no matter how destroyed the place is. It feels nice to be wanted because it's so difficult to find a place to belong but it doesn't matter how far I am away from home.

I don't know why I chose to write about you. But I just thought I should let myself know what it's like to be involved with someone like me. And I am very very very sure that not everyone can stand someone who collapses at least twice a week and recovers again and then repeats that cycle every single week. Not everyone can, maybe not even me. But I found someone who does and whether you read this or not, I am glad I did. 

I don't think I am the easiest person to be with and I am such an insecure being. Not because I don't ever feel confident because there are days when I feel good about everything around me, including myself. I think it's more of the fact that I get so easily affected by every single thing and somehow even something that has nothing to do with me but seemingly reflects something in my life can get me crashing down and I don't know why, but it takes me ages to get back up on my feet and remind myself that life goes on and that's just how it is. But never once did you complain. I never felt your anger, I never felt any unhappiness or bitterness towards me and even though sometimes I point the finger back at you and ask you to stop being angry with me, but deep down I know you never will because that's not you. And I am eternally grateful for that because not everyone understands how it feels like to be so upset that you just want to shut down and not talk to anyone. Sometimes you try to understand and trying is the word, and in the process I feel how hard it can get to back off and just leave me alone. But you know when to stop and when to continue and even when you don't, you never turn your back and leave me wallowing in self-pity because you know that I need you to help me stand up.

You're not that funny or entertaining even though you're just a ball of amusement sometimes and I can't believe the things you say because it's just so stupid that I want to just engulf you and keep you forever. I know sometimes you feel so guilty and useless and helpless for not knowing how to make you feel better and I can't seem to make you understand that sometimes all I need isn't for you to say the right things but just be there and let me feel your presence because that's all I'd ever need. You don't need to tell me you'll be here, or who you'll beat up for me, or what I should do. But just be there.

Things haven't been going easy. And it isn't your fault. You would beg to defer but I thought I ought to be honest with myself. I am a very difficult person. And you seldom (VERY) do anything wrong to make me mad or upset. But I have to say that things screw me over sometimes and I stop thinking rationally. It's kind of like a fight or flight reaction, and I never ever ever choose "fight" because I always get tired of fighting the bad emotions off, so I just end up settling for "flight" every single time without fail and I would push everyone away because it's always easier if I deal with this my own way. But being who you are, you won't rest until you've squeezed every ounce of sadness out of me and I just keep getting angry at you not because you press me for what's happening, but more of because you're breaking down this wall I built towards you a long time ago to keep you out because I was afraid you'd be who I thought you were, and hurt me all over. You are breaking down those walls and forcing me out of my comfort zone and making me face my feelings without running away from them and I can't I can't I can't, that's why I always have to avoid you and hit you where it hurts the most. I am sorry, but I am more sorry for what I put you through just because of myself. That's incredibly selfish but I could never differentiate being selfless and selfish because in some ways they are the same to me but you are proving me wrong and I am sorry. 

I like the way you wipe my tears away when I cry, though that's the most cliche shit I've seen in movies and it makes people swoon and all. It isn't because of that. But because it's like you are trying to wipe away all my signs of weakness because you can't stand seeing them and it's like a promise that you would help me find myself to become a fighter again. I knew there'd be a day you'd see me cry over what we have, but I didn't know it would be that soon. I like the way you tell me you're not going to go and that you'll keep fighting no matter how I keep ruining things and wrecking havoc and that you look me in the eye so I know you're not exasperated, which is how I feel about myself most of the time. I know that you're like my personal builder to the hurricane that I am, that you'd pick up the pieces no matter how destroyed the place is. It feels nice to be wanted because it's so difficult to find a place to belong but it doesn't matter how far I am away from home.

I don't know why I chose to write about you. But I just thought I should let myself know what it's like to be involved with someone like me. And I am very very very sure that not everyone can stand someone who collapses at least twice a week and recovers again and then repeats that cycle every single week. Not everyone can, maybe not even me. But I found someone who does and whether you read this or not, I am glad I did.