"Come on skinny love just last the year..."

I don't have all day, please.

Recently, the talk at home has been about "being a success in life", "going to university", "being the best in everything" and "why is it that every time I talk to you you give me that face". I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Everyday I hang around doing God knows what until the talk comes which screws up whichever part of the day I am in, and then I pass the day like a zombie because I hate that talk and then I waste yet another day. The school year has barely started (no it hasn't even started oh my) and I'm aware of how much I suck in everything academically related such that even when I try and I get better there'll always be people above me that I can never ever ever beat. It's like asking a common man to practise kungfu for a hundred days and asking a shifu to practise for fifty days but the shifu will definitely come out on top as usual/again/forever. And the part about going to university. I don't know what's happening now but everyone's just afraid that they can't make it to the U and okay I'm afraid too because I need a lot of luck and a really good shot but I have none. I can't even say "nah, let's go overseas if I really can't make it here" because who knows what my parents will live on if I ever decide to pack my bags and leave them here paying my tuition fees and all. And I don't want that. We can't afford it and I'm just...afraid. I am trying. It's not that I don't want to be good at something but it would really help if there were 30 hours in a day and there were 10 days in a week because it really doesn't matter if I drop dead tired because of everything that's going on here, I just don't want to be a disappointment anymore.

I see no direction in my life it's almost as if I'm counting the days as they go by.

I think it'd be really cool if one day, you just find a couple of days to disappear from everything. Just get a plane ticket to a country you've always wanted to go to. Either get a tour to really appreciate the place or pick up a map and do everything on your own. Rent a car and drive around the town and fall asleep by the beach or something. Hitch rides and eat cheap food at any stop you can find. And then when you're ready to get back just get a plane ticket back and then spend the rest of your days fantasizing about doing that again.

Don't want to always be part of your plan B. It sucks. 

People cry into their pillows at night not because they don't have anyone to talk to but because it feels better doing this alone. To be honest there's always someone there, even if it's just one person who would care like hell if you came crying but you didn't do that because you wanted something who'd just be there through the night and won't look at you differently in the morning. You want to feel the remnants of yesterday's feelings on your pillow because you can shift around but still feel that wet spot on your cheek. And you know that it's safe because you can cry until you're all tired and sleepy but you don't need to get away. You can just shut your eyes and let something numb the pain.

니 맘도 내 맘과 같을까
혼자 아프진 않을까
아직 나에겐 걱정이 되나봐
니 얼에 난 지워졌을까
영영 지워져버릴까
사실 이별보다 더 두려운가봐 나는

(Is your heart the same as mine?
Will I hurt alone?
I must still be worrying about you
I’m sorry, may I erase you?
Will I be able to erase you eternally?
Honestly, I’m most afraid of parting, I am)

xoxo,

me

"Come on skinny love just last the year..."

I don't have all day, please.

Recently, the talk at home has been about "being a success in life", "going to university", "being the best in everything" and "why is it that every time I talk to you you give me that face". I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Everyday I hang around doing God knows what until the talk comes which screws up whichever part of the day I am in, and then I pass the day like a zombie because I hate that talk and then I waste yet another day. The school year has barely started (no it hasn't even started oh my) and I'm aware of how much I suck in everything academically related such that even when I try and I get better there'll always be people above me that I can never ever ever beat. It's like asking a common man to practise kungfu for a hundred days and asking a shifu to practise for fifty days but the shifu will definitely come out on top as usual/again/forever. And the part about going to university. I don't know what's happening now but everyone's just afraid that they can't make it to the U and okay I'm afraid too because I need a lot of luck and a really good shot but I have none. I can't even say "nah, let's go overseas if I really can't make it here" because who knows what my parents will live on if I ever decide to pack my bags and leave them here paying my tuition fees and all. And I don't want that. We can't afford it and I'm just...afraid. I am trying. It's not that I don't want to be good at something but it would really help if there were 30 hours in a day and there were 10 days in a week because it really doesn't matter if I drop dead tired because of everything that's going on here, I just don't want to be a disappointment anymore.

I see no direction in my life it's almost as if I'm counting the days as they go by.

I think it'd be really cool if one day, you just find a couple of days to disappear from everything. Just get a plane ticket to a country you've always wanted to go to. Either get a tour to really appreciate the place or pick up a map and do everything on your own. Rent a car and drive around the town and fall asleep by the beach or something. Hitch rides and eat cheap food at any stop you can find. And then when you're ready to get back just get a plane ticket back and then spend the rest of your days fantasizing about doing that again.

Don't want to always be part of your plan B. It sucks. 

People cry into their pillows at night not because they don't have anyone to talk to but because it feels better doing this alone. To be honest there's always someone there, even if it's just one person who would care like hell if you came crying but you didn't do that because you wanted something who'd just be there through the night and won't look at you differently in the morning. You want to feel the remnants of yesterday's feelings on your pillow because you can shift around but still feel that wet spot on your cheek. And you know that it's safe because you can cry until you're all tired and sleepy but you don't need to get away. You can just shut your eyes and let something numb the pain.

니 맘도 내 맘과 같을까
혼자 아프진 않을까
아직 나에겐 걱정이 되나봐
니 얼에 난 지워졌을까
영영 지워져버릴까
사실 이별보다 더 두려운가봐 나는

(Is your heart the same as mine?
Will I hurt alone?
I must still be worrying about you
I’m sorry, may I erase you?
Will I be able to erase you eternally?
Honestly, I’m most afraid of parting, I am)

xoxo,

me