"Tell my it's near..."

Squad session on Friday was pretty alright. It wasn't what I imagined it to be but whatever, I don't want to dwell on it anymore.

I really need to start fighting for what I want. I just can't help but notice that I'd forever be at the losing end and it's so hard to be okay with it. Then I can't even blame anyone else but myself because I didn't even fight hard enough. All I've ever wanted was to never create problems for anyone else; I never wanted anyone to feel that it'd be a burden to take on an additional request from me. I just thought that by going with whatever was happening would be less tiring and hassle-free for everyone else. Is this the wrong way to think? Because now that I'm left here with things that are going to hurt so much in the future, I just thought that not putting my own needs and wants before the expectations of others would just lead me to a state like this. I'm not happy. Not even one bit. And what else can I do except to lie in bed and hate myself?

I need to start moving on and close chapters in my life and stop trying to cling to things that are gone forever.

I need to realise that I'm going to start Senior High life soon and I need to keep myself afloat and stop drowning every year. I need to realise that I no longer have a team to belong to and now I have a team that I'm responsible for and even if it means doing this alone I need to get them through everything, and whatever happened is the past and nothing can change that fact. I need to realise that I no longer have a squad to belong to because as much as they say everything's going to stay the same, it's not the same because fuck it, please tell me what stays the same once it's been ended? I need to realise that life's going to feel more lonely than ever but what can I do but to just be my own friend and learn to trust nobody but myself? I need to realise that I can't help but fall into the wrong groups of people and I've got to accept it because it's either that or being hated. 

Everything's been changing so much. I want some consistency in my life. Please.

Have you ever had the feeling where you're walking up to someone you know and you're kinda unsure on what's going to happen when you tap them on their shoulder or call their name? Like, you aren't sure if they'd ignore you and walk away or they'd actually turn around to say hi. Or you come up with all sorts of stupid scenarios in your head and then you wonder if they've changed since the last time you met them even if it was a day ago. Maybe they could've got tired or bored of you in the last couple of hours? Or maybe they found something that they really disliked about you and decided not to hang around anymore? And then you're just so so so afraid that something would turn out different. 

Or maybe it's meeting someone whom you've always thought would be by your side but then they turn out different from what you remembered them to be and you just wish you could find out what made them change inside and why they're aren't the same. And then you just stand there, taken aback, because you would give anything to bring back the people you've known.

Some people just get too caught up in their own silly little lives; I almost don't remember them stopping by to ask me how I'm doing anymore. What if one day I disappear and decide to leave and close up forever? You'd never know. You'd never know until you need something one day and then you realise that I've been long gone and dead to this world.

You could tell me that you love me every single minute of the day but the rest of the 59 seconds until the next one, I'd still doubt that you would find someone better.

Well, that's all, I guess. Not like anyone would really bother to care.

xoxo,

me

"Tell my it's near..."

Squad session on Friday was pretty alright. It wasn't what I imagined it to be but whatever, I don't want to dwell on it anymore.

I really need to start fighting for what I want. I just can't help but notice that I'd forever be at the losing end and it's so hard to be okay with it. Then I can't even blame anyone else but myself because I didn't even fight hard enough. All I've ever wanted was to never create problems for anyone else; I never wanted anyone to feel that it'd be a burden to take on an additional request from me. I just thought that by going with whatever was happening would be less tiring and hassle-free for everyone else. Is this the wrong way to think? Because now that I'm left here with things that are going to hurt so much in the future, I just thought that not putting my own needs and wants before the expectations of others would just lead me to a state like this. I'm not happy. Not even one bit. And what else can I do except to lie in bed and hate myself?

I need to start moving on and close chapters in my life and stop trying to cling to things that are gone forever.

I need to realise that I'm going to start Senior High life soon and I need to keep myself afloat and stop drowning every year. I need to realise that I no longer have a team to belong to and now I have a team that I'm responsible for and even if it means doing this alone I need to get them through everything, and whatever happened is the past and nothing can change that fact. I need to realise that I no longer have a squad to belong to because as much as they say everything's going to stay the same, it's not the same because fuck it, please tell me what stays the same once it's been ended? I need to realise that life's going to feel more lonely than ever but what can I do but to just be my own friend and learn to trust nobody but myself? I need to realise that I can't help but fall into the wrong groups of people and I've got to accept it because it's either that or being hated. 

Everything's been changing so much. I want some consistency in my life. Please.

Have you ever had the feeling where you're walking up to someone you know and you're kinda unsure on what's going to happen when you tap them on their shoulder or call their name? Like, you aren't sure if they'd ignore you and walk away or they'd actually turn around to say hi. Or you come up with all sorts of stupid scenarios in your head and then you wonder if they've changed since the last time you met them even if it was a day ago. Maybe they could've got tired or bored of you in the last couple of hours? Or maybe they found something that they really disliked about you and decided not to hang around anymore? And then you're just so so so afraid that something would turn out different. 

Or maybe it's meeting someone whom you've always thought would be by your side but then they turn out different from what you remembered them to be and you just wish you could find out what made them change inside and why they're aren't the same. And then you just stand there, taken aback, because you would give anything to bring back the people you've known.

Some people just get too caught up in their own silly little lives; I almost don't remember them stopping by to ask me how I'm doing anymore. What if one day I disappear and decide to leave and close up forever? You'd never know. You'd never know until you need something one day and then you realise that I've been long gone and dead to this world.

You could tell me that you love me every single minute of the day but the rest of the 59 seconds until the next one, I'd still doubt that you would find someone better.

Well, that's all, I guess. Not like anyone would really bother to care.

xoxo,

me