"And I will swallow my pride, you're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye."

I really wish it would snow here and then I can be all tucked up in a sweater and a mug of hot chocolate and spending my day holed up in the warmth of my blankets and then reading all day long. That would be perfect.

So I guess SOC/JNCO/ANCO is finally over. All the mad rush for it is finally over. To be honest, I guess it feels really different to not be working on the ground but rather watching mostly how it's supposed to be carried out and stuff. I guess I don't have as much as experience as the rest so it gets a little hard sometimes but all is well (: Most of the time it gets pretty lonely because I have different activities and I sleep/bathe at different times as compared to my batch mates but sometimes there's so much to do that I don't really bother anymore. And being with the Standard Fours really made me think about ANCO with my squad which exuded a really different feeling. I can't put a word to it but it just felt really different. Of course there were stuff that happened which wasn't really very pleasant but that aside, I really hope the kids had fun and all (: That's my take on this year's camp I guess, time to close another chapter for 2013!

It's Christmas Eve everyone (:

So yesterday I went to my grandfather's niche with my family this time and I guess we all kind of forgot that 23/12 was his birthday because I guess it comes to a point whereby we just remember the day people departed (25/12). It wasn't as dusty as it always was because I kind of cleaned it the other time I came and other than that it all looked the same because I forgot to get flowers when I visited. We went to visit my aunt too and I just felt so horrible watching my cousin clean her niche and when his dad said, "We haven't visited in a while huh" and I felt so small because the last thing I ever want her to feel is forgotten. I'm not sure how all of them feel whenever they go over to visit these people because all I ever feel is regret. Regret that I didn't do so much when they still could see it. And there are those distinct memories that burn in my head and I can't seem to escape them no matter how long ago they were. It's a good thing because I don't want to forget sometimes; it's a bad thing because I just want to keel over with guilt sometimes.

I wonder if my cousin comes along to his mum's niche sometimes and updates her about his life because I'm sure she wants to know everything and hear them from his mouth even though she's always watching from above.

What you make me feel spans from happiness and skepticism and I don't think it feels very good as a whole. You just make me constantly doubt myself if I'm ever good enough for you and most of the time I just feel like I should leave you alone. No matter what you try to do now will never overwrite all the times I wish I didn't exist just so to make myself feel better. You can tell me you cared a million times but it doesn't matter anymore because one wrong move just leads to a downfall. Are you mocking me? 

Have a merry christmas everyone (:

xoxo,

me

"And I will swallow my pride, you're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye."

I really wish it would snow here and then I can be all tucked up in a sweater and a mug of hot chocolate and spending my day holed up in the warmth of my blankets and then reading all day long. That would be perfect.

So I guess SOC/JNCO/ANCO is finally over. All the mad rush for it is finally over. To be honest, I guess it feels really different to not be working on the ground but rather watching mostly how it's supposed to be carried out and stuff. I guess I don't have as much as experience as the rest so it gets a little hard sometimes but all is well (: Most of the time it gets pretty lonely because I have different activities and I sleep/bathe at different times as compared to my batch mates but sometimes there's so much to do that I don't really bother anymore. And being with the Standard Fours really made me think about ANCO with my squad which exuded a really different feeling. I can't put a word to it but it just felt really different. Of course there were stuff that happened which wasn't really very pleasant but that aside, I really hope the kids had fun and all (: That's my take on this year's camp I guess, time to close another chapter for 2013!

It's Christmas Eve everyone (:

So yesterday I went to my grandfather's niche with my family this time and I guess we all kind of forgot that 23/12 was his birthday because I guess it comes to a point whereby we just remember the day people departed (25/12). It wasn't as dusty as it always was because I kind of cleaned it the other time I came and other than that it all looked the same because I forgot to get flowers when I visited. We went to visit my aunt too and I just felt so horrible watching my cousin clean her niche and when his dad said, "We haven't visited in a while huh" and I felt so small because the last thing I ever want her to feel is forgotten. I'm not sure how all of them feel whenever they go over to visit these people because all I ever feel is regret. Regret that I didn't do so much when they still could see it. And there are those distinct memories that burn in my head and I can't seem to escape them no matter how long ago they were. It's a good thing because I don't want to forget sometimes; it's a bad thing because I just want to keel over with guilt sometimes.

I wonder if my cousin comes along to his mum's niche sometimes and updates her about his life because I'm sure she wants to know everything and hear them from his mouth even though she's always watching from above.

What you make me feel spans from happiness and skepticism and I don't think it feels very good as a whole. You just make me constantly doubt myself if I'm ever good enough for you and most of the time I just feel like I should leave you alone. No matter what you try to do now will never overwrite all the times I wish I didn't exist just so to make myself feel better. You can tell me you cared a million times but it doesn't matter anymore because one wrong move just leads to a downfall. Are you mocking me? 

Have a merry christmas everyone (:

xoxo,

me