"Love comes around again..."

I thought I should write my thoughts here since I'm already here instead of contemplating if I'm just going to be waste of time anywhere. At least I know writing stuff here doesn't take up people's time and emotions and brainpower to comprehend, listen, understand and find the right words to say. Isn't this wonderful? It's just going to be me talking and no one interrupting until I feel better about it.

The problem now, or every time, or forever, is that I feel so much for things that will never feel for me. And it's not just going to be about people and stuff like that. I've learnt that investing time and feelings for people (not necessarily the romantic way 'scuse me) could be the worst kind of investment because the risk is so huge and when you fail, you pretty much fall so badly you might want to just lie on the ground forever. To overly attach myself to something has become a problem and it's something I don't see myself getting rid of any time soon. The more I tell myself I shouldn't care, the more I subconsciously do so. Until I reach a point when I look back and realise what I've done, but by then it'd have been too late and I wouldn't be able to back out.

The worst part about this isn't the giving. Who honestly cares about how much they're giving when they WANT to give? It isn't like we're being forced, we just feel that we should and we want to because that someone or something means so much to us. We don't even think twice when it comes to giving. It has become a ritual for us, perhaps. It's because we know that there are only limited things we can say and do, therefore we make everything count, whether big or small. I know I'd cross mountains and rivers for things and people I feel so much for. And it's because I know that without them, I would be nothing and I would feel so alone and useless and that's why I'm fighting to keep them by my side. No matter how hard it gets.

But the problem now is the receiving. I know it's wrong to expect, but it's human nature. I've been taught that I should never do anything out of selfish ambitions or vain conceit or in general, never do anything to get something out of it. I don't know how much I keep to it but the fact is it sucks to know when things you do just go to waste. People barely say "thank you" to what you're doing. People barely even consider about you when they make decisions. People won't do the same for you even if you do so for them. And every single time this happens, I ask myself: is it so hard? Is it so hard to at least acknowledge me and show me that I exist? Is it so hard to give me a reply because why would I even want to talk to you in the first place when I know you're going to ignore me in the end? Is it so hard to go out of your way to help me? Is it so hard to even show care and concern when you know I would do the same for you? It's going to always be about you, always always always always always. I'm not trying to sing praises for myself right now, but I don't like how selfish things have become. People don't even share anymore in fears that the other party can't give the same things back. It isn't even right.

The worst feeling to feel is when you feel that nobody gives a fuck about you. I know people get tired of asking me what happened to me because I don't even want to say anything but don't you see, I don't want to share because I'm trying to get over it. I've proven to myself so many times that the more I say and explain, the more it hits me in the face and the more times I get run over by this truck called "the truth", until it hurts more than it already did. And sometimes I feel like I deserve this because sucks to be you that nobody wants to give a fuck about what's happening in your life. I don't understand. It seems so small and negligible but it just has a way to get into my mind and run a knife through it. 

People who are rude, people who think that I'm stupid, retarded, less than life, whatever shouldn't be cared, whatever you think, whatever way you're talking to me, whatever way you want to make me feel bad about myself, just turn around and walk away because I don't really care about what you do. I don't like it and I don't like you so just disappear and get out of my life. I don't need you to make me feel ignored and lonely and disappointed every single time I want to talk to you. 

Whatever. I'm trying but nothing is working out. 

"Love comes around again..."

I thought I should write my thoughts here since I'm already here instead of contemplating if I'm just going to be waste of time anywhere. At least I know writing stuff here doesn't take up people's time and emotions and brainpower to comprehend, listen, understand and find the right words to say. Isn't this wonderful? It's just going to be me talking and no one interrupting until I feel better about it.

The problem now, or every time, or forever, is that I feel so much for things that will never feel for me. And it's not just going to be about people and stuff like that. I've learnt that investing time and feelings for people (not necessarily the romantic way 'scuse me) could be the worst kind of investment because the risk is so huge and when you fail, you pretty much fall so badly you might want to just lie on the ground forever. To overly attach myself to something has become a problem and it's something I don't see myself getting rid of any time soon. The more I tell myself I shouldn't care, the more I subconsciously do so. Until I reach a point when I look back and realise what I've done, but by then it'd have been too late and I wouldn't be able to back out.

The worst part about this isn't the giving. Who honestly cares about how much they're giving when they WANT to give? It isn't like we're being forced, we just feel that we should and we want to because that someone or something means so much to us. We don't even think twice when it comes to giving. It has become a ritual for us, perhaps. It's because we know that there are only limited things we can say and do, therefore we make everything count, whether big or small. I know I'd cross mountains and rivers for things and people I feel so much for. And it's because I know that without them, I would be nothing and I would feel so alone and useless and that's why I'm fighting to keep them by my side. No matter how hard it gets.

But the problem now is the receiving. I know it's wrong to expect, but it's human nature. I've been taught that I should never do anything out of selfish ambitions or vain conceit or in general, never do anything to get something out of it. I don't know how much I keep to it but the fact is it sucks to know when things you do just go to waste. People barely say "thank you" to what you're doing. People barely even consider about you when they make decisions. People won't do the same for you even if you do so for them. And every single time this happens, I ask myself: is it so hard? Is it so hard to at least acknowledge me and show me that I exist? Is it so hard to give me a reply because why would I even want to talk to you in the first place when I know you're going to ignore me in the end? Is it so hard to go out of your way to help me? Is it so hard to even show care and concern when you know I would do the same for you? It's going to always be about you, always always always always always. I'm not trying to sing praises for myself right now, but I don't like how selfish things have become. People don't even share anymore in fears that the other party can't give the same things back. It isn't even right.

The worst feeling to feel is when you feel that nobody gives a fuck about you. I know people get tired of asking me what happened to me because I don't even want to say anything but don't you see, I don't want to share because I'm trying to get over it. I've proven to myself so many times that the more I say and explain, the more it hits me in the face and the more times I get run over by this truck called "the truth", until it hurts more than it already did. And sometimes I feel like I deserve this because sucks to be you that nobody wants to give a fuck about what's happening in your life. I don't understand. It seems so small and negligible but it just has a way to get into my mind and run a knife through it. 

People who are rude, people who think that I'm stupid, retarded, less than life, whatever shouldn't be cared, whatever you think, whatever way you're talking to me, whatever way you want to make me feel bad about myself, just turn around and walk away because I don't really care about what you do. I don't like it and I don't like you so just disappear and get out of my life. I don't need you to make me feel ignored and lonely and disappointed every single time I want to talk to you. 

Whatever. I'm trying but nothing is working out.