"I feel so far from where I've been..."

Haha, I really don't understand how people are just so naturally good at writing. Like, how can you even just pick up a pen and scribble some things effortlessly (almost) and then people read it and they don't know what to say because it's just so damn good? (: Like, you just read it and then your brain literally goes blank because the words struck a chord in you and you're just "did I just read that amazing thing?" haha. I don't know, just trying to appreciate more of literature in prose and poetry form because all school does is to mar their beauty by asking us to write essays about our analysis. Meaningless.

If you've realised, or if you've bothered to realise (;D), I think I'm getting more personal about what I've been posting here. Like compare it to the posts I had years ago and now, it's like, I'm becoming more open with what I'm posting I guess. In the past, it used to be a bunch of vague words and hidden meanings all strung into a post and with all the generic names and stuff and people don't even get what I'm saying through what I'm writing because I don't even make sense. I guess my goal was just, "for myself to read since this is my blog". Now...I don't know, I'm not trying to be some philosopher so anything but I just felt that if I'm going to just die someday (TOUCH ALL THE WOOD ON EARTH), there would be so many things I could have said and I didn't say. There'd be so many things people would puzzle over, like, why did she do that, why did she say that, why is she just like that; and these things will never be answered. As much as I hate that public things just get judged by people (and admit it, we all judge, even me) but I just felt that if reading things by me would get you to understand me more, then go ahead (: We're not on this earth to just live through life, but to understand people and be understood. So I try my best to write about things that concern myself as much as possible nowadays because I don't want to leave any words unsaid. Gonna try to at least talk about something meaningful here because aw c'mon, that's what this is for right!! xD But disclaimer, if it offends you, then I'm sorry, it was never my intention.

But with that being said, I still can't give up just updating people on how my day went ):

On Friday, after all the celebration of the "almost last day of common tests", I was walking back to my uncle's place alone on the road and I guess when I'm alone I just think a lot and I encourage people to do so because you just look at so many things differently. Anyway, I just realised that I'm really spending a lot less time with my family. And when I do, I'd be doing something else, maybe not even related to them or something. And it just made me wonder what would happen to me if I lose all of them at once, and what would happen to them if they lost me? (TOUCH TREES AND BRANCHES AND TWIGS) I think back to the last outing we had as a family and it was just cycling at east coast but it still felt pretty awesome (: And I'm trying my best to keep my days free so that I can make up for all the lost time. But even with that being said, I really really really am sorry about what I'm going to say, but I will always be blinded with what is driving me on at the present. And sad to say, it's seldom my family. It's like, if I am driven by the fact that Nat Comp is coming/approaching/looming, or anything, I would prioritize that over my family. I feel like slapping myself all the time because of that, but I learnt that it's not that I don't care about them or anything, I am really very very very blinded by what I have in front of me, that so often I forget the ones behind me. 

My relationship with my family isn't the best of the best and it isn't the worst of the worst either. I guess I'm just like any other kid, or teenage kid, with the same few problems at home and issues with my parents and stuff (: Normal, I say. But being a rather (note: not "very") sensitive person, I guess I will always be affected by what's happening all the time. In any case, the relationship I had with my family was a very good one but I think I screwed it up. Everyone played a role actually, but there's no one to take the blame in cases like this. Okayokayokay, so when I was younger, and being a very stupid and retarded kid (still am), I got into a very stupid and very reckless and very messed-up relationship. And I guess the people who knew, half of them was because I told them, and the other half knew in ways that they were not supposed to know. I mean, looking back, I honestly don't regret anything because it made me who I am today and what's life without all the screw ups? Anyway, being in a conservative family, I couldn't let anyone know about this so obviously all I could turn to when things got bad between us was myself. So yep, store it all in. He ignored you? Suck it all up. He fought with you again? Suck it all up. He broke up with you again? Suck it all up. He wants to get back but you don't know what to do? Suck it all up. He treats you the same even after you took him back? Suck it all up. And this went on for two years and I must say, it was a tiring journey. Sure, it made me happy but when things just got bitter at the end, no one's going to hold you when you sit on the bathroom floor and cry your heart out because no one told you that you can never give your all in things like that. And no one did tell me anything. The worst part was that my parents were there, but I couldn't say anything. That really ripped me apart because I was really contemplating whether I should tell them that things were going on like this and it was too much for myself to take (sorry, told you I was a sensitive kid) but no, I couldn't. 

And then things got worse because people started leaving me, like people whom I trusted with all my life, and I couldn't even say anything because I didn't know this friend of mine through school or anything but somewhere else and I was just very sure that my parents wouldn't even approve of such a friend. He wasn't bad or anything, just slightly naughty and stuff. And he taught me things that I would never get from any friend. He taught me how to be myself, how to make sure I'm not always at the losing end, how to fend for myself, how to trust, how not to trust, how to be friends with someone and how to gain their trust. All I can say is I lost this friend of mine and the days that followed were just like hell. And I couldn't say anything to my parents too because I would get chided at for the things that I did and for feeling this way, and not them asking me and helping me get over it. 

My parents are great people. They're often more right than wrong but what makes it sad is that they're not good listeners. I'm not saying I am, but sometimes all people need are people who would listen to them. I remember telling my dad once in Secondary 1 that I was feeling very scared and sad that my friend (LOL JAMIE HELLO) was trying to transfer out of Dunman and that I was afraid that I wouldn't have any friends. As a kid, I was expecting my dad to tell me things like oh, don't worry, you'd make friends, and she probably won't leave, or how about you just show your appreciation to her and stuff like that. But no, he just told me, "You can't do anything about it anyway." and at that moment, I think my heart just crashed. I try, most of the time, to open up to people and tell them things but things like that happen ALL THE TIME, so I stopped trying. I honestly hate it when you're talking with someone and they get bloody distracted with something else, be it their phone or the people around them or for goodness sake, birds flying around and stuff. It's like, c'mon, someone is TRUSTING you and telling you her problems and thoughts, can't you put that stupid phone down and listen? And I'm not talking about hearing, I'm talking about listening. And so often, people don't listen, and that's what made me lose their hope in them. I'm not the best listener in the world, but trust me, if you have my attention, you have my 100%. I won't give you anything less than that, because I appreciate your honesty and for you to just tell me everything. Anyway, back to my point, I'm just saying that my parents...you can't tell them important things because they would forget it and I don't blame them because that's just how they are. And that's just how I am that I feel a lot about it sometimes.

All in all, what I'm trying to say here is, there is definitely a personality clash between my entire family. My dad is more of the "OPPRESSOR" hahahaha I'm kidding. He's very very very strict, and he expects nothing less than your best. He's very very very traditional and he sticks to his beliefs and he never ever ever sways from them. He is mostly oblivious to his surrounding, and what he wants, he expects everyone to deliver. My mum, like him, crude and curt with things they say. She can be soft sometimes but when she flares up she gets real mad. My sister, the weird one who didn't inherit all the angst from this very angsty family, is nice and stuff and too nice which makes me annoyed. And I'm just the mean bitch, who likes to get her way, and just hates on everyone (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and just be mean and evil. Okay, I was kidding about that but you get the idea. 

They always say that you can never change your family. And that is very true. All the things that has happened, they all make me who I am. Who am I? I leave it to people to decide, but I got quite a few ideas of my own (: This family is the only family I've got, and I've not been doing justice to them. Things might not change drastically over time, and I might not stop feeling angry at my parents, nor will I stop being a bad kid. Everyone's story of their family is different, and there's no such things as "a family without problems" or "a perfect family". That's just IMPOSSIBLE. I won't change things, because I don't believe in going all out of my way to make things work out or anything. This just serves as a reminder to me, for my future, what kind of family would I build for my children, that in time when they want to write a blogpost about their parents, what would they write? 

In any case, I love you guys a lot. And I don't say it much or even at all, but you know.

xoxo,

me (:

"I feel so far from where I've been..."

Haha, I really don't understand how people are just so naturally good at writing. Like, how can you even just pick up a pen and scribble some things effortlessly (almost) and then people read it and they don't know what to say because it's just so damn good? (: Like, you just read it and then your brain literally goes blank because the words struck a chord in you and you're just "did I just read that amazing thing?" haha. I don't know, just trying to appreciate more of literature in prose and poetry form because all school does is to mar their beauty by asking us to write essays about our analysis. Meaningless.

If you've realised, or if you've bothered to realise (;D), I think I'm getting more personal about what I've been posting here. Like compare it to the posts I had years ago and now, it's like, I'm becoming more open with what I'm posting I guess. In the past, it used to be a bunch of vague words and hidden meanings all strung into a post and with all the generic names and stuff and people don't even get what I'm saying through what I'm writing because I don't even make sense. I guess my goal was just, "for myself to read since this is my blog". Now...I don't know, I'm not trying to be some philosopher so anything but I just felt that if I'm going to just die someday (TOUCH ALL THE WOOD ON EARTH), there would be so many things I could have said and I didn't say. There'd be so many things people would puzzle over, like, why did she do that, why did she say that, why is she just like that; and these things will never be answered. As much as I hate that public things just get judged by people (and admit it, we all judge, even me) but I just felt that if reading things by me would get you to understand me more, then go ahead (: We're not on this earth to just live through life, but to understand people and be understood. So I try my best to write about things that concern myself as much as possible nowadays because I don't want to leave any words unsaid. Gonna try to at least talk about something meaningful here because aw c'mon, that's what this is for right!! xD But disclaimer, if it offends you, then I'm sorry, it was never my intention.

But with that being said, I still can't give up just updating people on how my day went ):

On Friday, after all the celebration of the "almost last day of common tests", I was walking back to my uncle's place alone on the road and I guess when I'm alone I just think a lot and I encourage people to do so because you just look at so many things differently. Anyway, I just realised that I'm really spending a lot less time with my family. And when I do, I'd be doing something else, maybe not even related to them or something. And it just made me wonder what would happen to me if I lose all of them at once, and what would happen to them if they lost me? (TOUCH TREES AND BRANCHES AND TWIGS) I think back to the last outing we had as a family and it was just cycling at east coast but it still felt pretty awesome (: And I'm trying my best to keep my days free so that I can make up for all the lost time. But even with that being said, I really really really am sorry about what I'm going to say, but I will always be blinded with what is driving me on at the present. And sad to say, it's seldom my family. It's like, if I am driven by the fact that Nat Comp is coming/approaching/looming, or anything, I would prioritize that over my family. I feel like slapping myself all the time because of that, but I learnt that it's not that I don't care about them or anything, I am really very very very blinded by what I have in front of me, that so often I forget the ones behind me. 

My relationship with my family isn't the best of the best and it isn't the worst of the worst either. I guess I'm just like any other kid, or teenage kid, with the same few problems at home and issues with my parents and stuff (: Normal, I say. But being a rather (note: not "very") sensitive person, I guess I will always be affected by what's happening all the time. In any case, the relationship I had with my family was a very good one but I think I screwed it up. Everyone played a role actually, but there's no one to take the blame in cases like this. Okayokayokay, so when I was younger, and being a very stupid and retarded kid (still am), I got into a very stupid and very reckless and very messed-up relationship. And I guess the people who knew, half of them was because I told them, and the other half knew in ways that they were not supposed to know. I mean, looking back, I honestly don't regret anything because it made me who I am today and what's life without all the screw ups? Anyway, being in a conservative family, I couldn't let anyone know about this so obviously all I could turn to when things got bad between us was myself. So yep, store it all in. He ignored you? Suck it all up. He fought with you again? Suck it all up. He broke up with you again? Suck it all up. He wants to get back but you don't know what to do? Suck it all up. He treats you the same even after you took him back? Suck it all up. And this went on for two years and I must say, it was a tiring journey. Sure, it made me happy but when things just got bitter at the end, no one's going to hold you when you sit on the bathroom floor and cry your heart out because no one told you that you can never give your all in things like that. And no one did tell me anything. The worst part was that my parents were there, but I couldn't say anything. That really ripped me apart because I was really contemplating whether I should tell them that things were going on like this and it was too much for myself to take (sorry, told you I was a sensitive kid) but no, I couldn't. 

And then things got worse because people started leaving me, like people whom I trusted with all my life, and I couldn't even say anything because I didn't know this friend of mine through school or anything but somewhere else and I was just very sure that my parents wouldn't even approve of such a friend. He wasn't bad or anything, just slightly naughty and stuff. And he taught me things that I would never get from any friend. He taught me how to be myself, how to make sure I'm not always at the losing end, how to fend for myself, how to trust, how not to trust, how to be friends with someone and how to gain their trust. All I can say is I lost this friend of mine and the days that followed were just like hell. And I couldn't say anything to my parents too because I would get chided at for the things that I did and for feeling this way, and not them asking me and helping me get over it. 

My parents are great people. They're often more right than wrong but what makes it sad is that they're not good listeners. I'm not saying I am, but sometimes all people need are people who would listen to them. I remember telling my dad once in Secondary 1 that I was feeling very scared and sad that my friend (LOL JAMIE HELLO) was trying to transfer out of Dunman and that I was afraid that I wouldn't have any friends. As a kid, I was expecting my dad to tell me things like oh, don't worry, you'd make friends, and she probably won't leave, or how about you just show your appreciation to her and stuff like that. But no, he just told me, "You can't do anything about it anyway." and at that moment, I think my heart just crashed. I try, most of the time, to open up to people and tell them things but things like that happen ALL THE TIME, so I stopped trying. I honestly hate it when you're talking with someone and they get bloody distracted with something else, be it their phone or the people around them or for goodness sake, birds flying around and stuff. It's like, c'mon, someone is TRUSTING you and telling you her problems and thoughts, can't you put that stupid phone down and listen? And I'm not talking about hearing, I'm talking about listening. And so often, people don't listen, and that's what made me lose their hope in them. I'm not the best listener in the world, but trust me, if you have my attention, you have my 100%. I won't give you anything less than that, because I appreciate your honesty and for you to just tell me everything. Anyway, back to my point, I'm just saying that my parents...you can't tell them important things because they would forget it and I don't blame them because that's just how they are. And that's just how I am that I feel a lot about it sometimes.

All in all, what I'm trying to say here is, there is definitely a personality clash between my entire family. My dad is more of the "OPPRESSOR" hahahaha I'm kidding. He's very very very strict, and he expects nothing less than your best. He's very very very traditional and he sticks to his beliefs and he never ever ever sways from them. He is mostly oblivious to his surrounding, and what he wants, he expects everyone to deliver. My mum, like him, crude and curt with things they say. She can be soft sometimes but when she flares up she gets real mad. My sister, the weird one who didn't inherit all the angst from this very angsty family, is nice and stuff and too nice which makes me annoyed. And I'm just the mean bitch, who likes to get her way, and just hates on everyone (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and just be mean and evil. Okay, I was kidding about that but you get the idea. 

They always say that you can never change your family. And that is very true. All the things that has happened, they all make me who I am. Who am I? I leave it to people to decide, but I got quite a few ideas of my own (: This family is the only family I've got, and I've not been doing justice to them. Things might not change drastically over time, and I might not stop feeling angry at my parents, nor will I stop being a bad kid. Everyone's story of their family is different, and there's no such things as "a family without problems" or "a perfect family". That's just IMPOSSIBLE. I won't change things, because I don't believe in going all out of my way to make things work out or anything. This just serves as a reminder to me, for my future, what kind of family would I build for my children, that in time when they want to write a blogpost about their parents, what would they write? 

In any case, I love you guys a lot. And I don't say it much or even at all, but you know.

xoxo,

me (: