"No second chances..."

Hello all (: Just taking a break from my math assignment because it's really in a bad state and I can't bring myself to complete it or re-attempt some questions == And there's planning for Intracomp comptrain that I haven't done and it's tomorrow O___O Wanted to do something more for the kids, and helpful, but time constraints!! -.- This sucks. 

I've got nothing much to say about today other than the fact that I had lots of ice-cream today and even though ice-cream once made me happy, today I just ate it with a really heavy heart. Oh well. And also, I'm glad that I managed to take a nap this afternoon after I finished studying because I'm feeling less dead now (Y) Hurhurhur. Oh and yes, I got a B for my Lit paper (: And I'm thankful that I didn't fail because I've not been doing well in my daily work .__. So thank God for everything and ending off CTs with an okayokay grade (((: And we played Captain's ball during PE! The most scary game of captain's ball O___O Nothing much to add on I guess, today was just quite routine-ish.

Yesterday was a really screwed up night for me, and it's never been like that for a really long time. I expected it anyway, ever since the morning when my dad told me he wanted to see all my scripts. Every single year, at this time, it happens but I don't know why this year hurts the most. Maybe it's because we're finally hitting close to A levels? Or maybe because I'm starting to care? Whatever it is, like every single year, I didn't do well and I'm not being modest or shit, because hell yeah, I didn't do well AT ALL. It sucks when you actually bothered to study and stuff, and then you get back such crappy results. And then everyone gives you the same excuse like, "Oh, you didn't study enough", "You didn't put in any effort", "You're not smart enough", "This is so easy, how could you not know?". And all you can do is to refrain from just exploding at them because they're just talking shit. Honestly. Please tell me who doesn't want to do well? As much as I look like a slacker and maybe I really am, or as much as I go "YOLO" every time I fail a test, please tell me that you know that I don't mean it at all and that I'm actually concerned about where this is going? Who likes failures? It's becoming so common and natural like breathing that I'm starting to get sick and tired of it. Yesterday the only thing my dad kept saying was "WHY" and "What's wrong with you?". BLOODY HELL, I wish I fucking knew too. It doesn't help that you keep asking me what went wrong and why am I like that when I don't even know the answer myself. And the entire time he was asking me if it was the teacher's fault or if tuition wasn't helping but omg just listen please: IT'S JUST ME, it's just me who is not good enough, it's not anyone's fault. No one is doing anything wrong, it's just me who keeps screwing up things like this. I can't help it because I don't even know what's wrong with myself. True, I might not be the best student or the best kid or the most hardworking human on earth but at least I tried and what do I get for trying? Something worse than nothing; it's literally a negative value. 

I wish I knew what I didn't know too, so that I can at least feel proud of myself. People only realise when you screw up but then when you improve, nothing is said because people think that it's expected of you. I really can't take this anymore. Every single day, I'm being compared to everyone. Bloody hell, for what, you tell me. And please, if you're going to get a higher grade than me and when you know I failed, please know when to draw the line about celebrating. I'm not saying you can't be happy and proud of your achievement but it really doesn't help at all when I'm just sitting there and trying to get over it. And it certainly doesn't make anyone feel better when you go "ONE MARK TO A+" when oh, I can do the same too, if I triple my score maybe. Please.

I'm not saying I'm giving up or I'm not fighting anymore but it gets hard when people say things and I start to think a lot at night. It isn't nice when your dad tells you "Cheryl, please stop thinking that you're very smart". REALITY CHECK: I've never thought I am because no one told me I was. Okay? And sending me to all kinds of tuition and quitting this and changing this and that, and telling me that I should cut down on other commitments really makes me disappointed. Just saying, for math, going to tuition and with all these things going on, it really just makes me hate that subject more, with a greater burning intensity.

Problems going on at home as well. Nothing to do with me but it's impossible to ignore.

Lastly, I really wish sometimes that I didn't have a brain or I didn't have a heart. So that I wouldn't have to think, wouldn't have to feel. Overthinking really kills, but I can't help it, neither can I stop it. It's so insane. No, it's driving me insane. So many insecurities and feelings but I don't know what to do about them. It's becoming a reflex when people ask about me and I just try to insert all kinds of smiley faces. I don't know whether is it more to make myself feel better, or is it to convince others that it didn't hurt at all. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. All I know that there's this raging tempest in me and when I'm not careful, I let it take over the very best of me.

In any case, I'm not here to get anyone's pity or attention, nor am I here to make you feel sad after reading this. Afterall, this is just life and this is in particular MY LIFE, and I'm trying to be okay with things going this way. You have to understand, I prefer writing all these to talking, so I greatly appreciate that you guys will let me be on my blog (: Thanks (:

Okay! Off to do more work! Goodbye~

xoxo,

me

"No second chances..."

Hello all (: Just taking a break from my math assignment because it's really in a bad state and I can't bring myself to complete it or re-attempt some questions == And there's planning for Intracomp comptrain that I haven't done and it's tomorrow O___O Wanted to do something more for the kids, and helpful, but time constraints!! -.- This sucks. 

I've got nothing much to say about today other than the fact that I had lots of ice-cream today and even though ice-cream once made me happy, today I just ate it with a really heavy heart. Oh well. And also, I'm glad that I managed to take a nap this afternoon after I finished studying because I'm feeling less dead now (Y) Hurhurhur. Oh and yes, I got a B for my Lit paper (: And I'm thankful that I didn't fail because I've not been doing well in my daily work .__. So thank God for everything and ending off CTs with an okayokay grade (((: And we played Captain's ball during PE! The most scary game of captain's ball O___O Nothing much to add on I guess, today was just quite routine-ish.

Yesterday was a really screwed up night for me, and it's never been like that for a really long time. I expected it anyway, ever since the morning when my dad told me he wanted to see all my scripts. Every single year, at this time, it happens but I don't know why this year hurts the most. Maybe it's because we're finally hitting close to A levels? Or maybe because I'm starting to care? Whatever it is, like every single year, I didn't do well and I'm not being modest or shit, because hell yeah, I didn't do well AT ALL. It sucks when you actually bothered to study and stuff, and then you get back such crappy results. And then everyone gives you the same excuse like, "Oh, you didn't study enough", "You didn't put in any effort", "You're not smart enough", "This is so easy, how could you not know?". And all you can do is to refrain from just exploding at them because they're just talking shit. Honestly. Please tell me who doesn't want to do well? As much as I look like a slacker and maybe I really am, or as much as I go "YOLO" every time I fail a test, please tell me that you know that I don't mean it at all and that I'm actually concerned about where this is going? Who likes failures? It's becoming so common and natural like breathing that I'm starting to get sick and tired of it. Yesterday the only thing my dad kept saying was "WHY" and "What's wrong with you?". BLOODY HELL, I wish I fucking knew too. It doesn't help that you keep asking me what went wrong and why am I like that when I don't even know the answer myself. And the entire time he was asking me if it was the teacher's fault or if tuition wasn't helping but omg just listen please: IT'S JUST ME, it's just me who is not good enough, it's not anyone's fault. No one is doing anything wrong, it's just me who keeps screwing up things like this. I can't help it because I don't even know what's wrong with myself. True, I might not be the best student or the best kid or the most hardworking human on earth but at least I tried and what do I get for trying? Something worse than nothing; it's literally a negative value. 

I wish I knew what I didn't know too, so that I can at least feel proud of myself. People only realise when you screw up but then when you improve, nothing is said because people think that it's expected of you. I really can't take this anymore. Every single day, I'm being compared to everyone. Bloody hell, for what, you tell me. And please, if you're going to get a higher grade than me and when you know I failed, please know when to draw the line about celebrating. I'm not saying you can't be happy and proud of your achievement but it really doesn't help at all when I'm just sitting there and trying to get over it. And it certainly doesn't make anyone feel better when you go "ONE MARK TO A+" when oh, I can do the same too, if I triple my score maybe. Please.

I'm not saying I'm giving up or I'm not fighting anymore but it gets hard when people say things and I start to think a lot at night. It isn't nice when your dad tells you "Cheryl, please stop thinking that you're very smart". REALITY CHECK: I've never thought I am because no one told me I was. Okay? And sending me to all kinds of tuition and quitting this and changing this and that, and telling me that I should cut down on other commitments really makes me disappointed. Just saying, for math, going to tuition and with all these things going on, it really just makes me hate that subject more, with a greater burning intensity.

Problems going on at home as well. Nothing to do with me but it's impossible to ignore.

Lastly, I really wish sometimes that I didn't have a brain or I didn't have a heart. So that I wouldn't have to think, wouldn't have to feel. Overthinking really kills, but I can't help it, neither can I stop it. It's so insane. No, it's driving me insane. So many insecurities and feelings but I don't know what to do about them. It's becoming a reflex when people ask about me and I just try to insert all kinds of smiley faces. I don't know whether is it more to make myself feel better, or is it to convince others that it didn't hurt at all. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. All I know that there's this raging tempest in me and when I'm not careful, I let it take over the very best of me.

In any case, I'm not here to get anyone's pity or attention, nor am I here to make you feel sad after reading this. Afterall, this is just life and this is in particular MY LIFE, and I'm trying to be okay with things going this way. You have to understand, I prefer writing all these to talking, so I greatly appreciate that you guys will let me be on my blog (: Thanks (:

Okay! Off to do more work! Goodbye~

xoxo,

me