Oh no, this isn't a daily update but just a little reflection about what SJ has been up 'til now and everything. And no, this isn't ranting. And no, this isn't complaining. And no, I'm not bad mouthing anyone because I believe there's always two sides to every thing. 

I think, the very first day you enter this...thing (sorry idk how to describe it), you're made to believe that the people you see around you would be your everything (you'd always be sitting in a circle when this realization dawns upon you) and then all the sappy stuff people would say. And at that point in time, I guess I was a little wary about this, like, what the hell, I barely know these people. And like any other kid, I ran away from things I didn't like. And oh how I ran, I just didn't feel like appearing for things and I just tried my hand at disappearing. Until it came to a point where I felt like I wasn't doing anything right (and it was getting tiring) and something that Mr Lim said really woke me up, "You're already here. No point trying any way to get out. So make the best out of it." And hell I did try.

It's a very slooooooooooooow process of making the best out of it. It's like, every time you feel like the things that you're doing is stupid, you have to psycho yourself into thinking it's for the best. I mean, I still think that the things that we did were stupid, but looking back, I guess they were memories, be it good or bad. In any case, I think sometimes I didn't feel like giving in my best. And obviously I wasn't good at a lot of things. A LOT. I didn't know how to polish my boots, I didn't know how to tie a knot, I didn't know how to do treatment, I didn't know the I/C procedure, I didn't know flag raising or flag lowering procedure, I didn't know who to greet and I didn't know almost everything. 

There are many many many many turning points in SJ. Some people reach their turning point really quickly, while some take a long time. Some people just ENTER SJ with this aura and responsibility already (think Pengfei and Keane) and some people just tend to start showing leadership stuff when they're like STILL kids (think Geena). Yet some people only break through during JNCO, SNCO, instructor life, ANCO, and for the slightly unfortunate, just before POP. I can't really pinpoint when I reached a turning point because everything feels like a turning point to me. It's like I didn't want to be involved in squad issues or anything related to SJ, but then something just sucked me into it or circumstances just made me involved and BAAAAM, there I was organizing our squad first PT. Say what. Can't believe I was only a standard two then but I just felt so obliged to do things. Standard two is my favourite period of time because that's when our squad was the happiest and I felt the happiest and everything was just fun and games and never anything bad. So to any standard twos reading this (GO AWAY AHAHAHA), please treasure this year because after that nothing would be the same again. And then came JNCO and I was actually just floating through the camp and didn't feel like participating because I got so sick and tired of people screaming at us that I literally just felt like throwing benches at people and stuff. Until I became the I/C with Geena and LOL, we kind of had it worse then I imagined. Being an I/C during JNCO, you get to meet seniors up close and personal (okay ignore the personal part) and you see their faces in high definition when they scream at you and all you can do is try not to cringe. And I guess it was at JNCO where things opened my eyes to see that there are the people who are really good, they volunteer, they initiate, they cheer, they lead; there are the floaters, they do their stuff, they follow the rules, don't talk much; there are the slackers, basically like potatoes. And all through the camp, you see people sieving out the different people. And when I had my I/C evaluation with one of the Ma'ams, she said something to me I will never forget: "You are good, but you can't shine because you've always been in the shadow of the other I/C." and then I didn't get picked to be the key parade personnel but it didn't really matter to me because at that point in time I really didn't know what it was and I didn't want to get picked because it's so scary!!!! (Or so I thought but now I'm kind of...okay with it I guess :D) But after the camp, people came to talk to me and told me things like, aw man why didn't you get picked and I was really confused because I didn't WANT to actually get picked but I just didn't understand why people made a huge fuss about such things. And when I finally understood that when you get chosen as KPP, it's to "thank you and recognise you". Admit it, it's really like that. But in any case, I just wanted to say that I never felt like I was hiding in Geena's shadow because I am really grateful that she was there to save my ass so many times and to help me whenever I felt like some blur sotong. It was probably the best part of JNCO to work with you (:

And then in came rolling comp team. Another turning point. Those who are in comp team would know the story because we've said it so many times. And then there'd always be the point in time when I'd be training with the rest, and feeling like I shouldn't have agreed to be here because I obviously suck more than them. And up 'til now, sometimes that feeling would gnaw at my heart but I've learnt to just make the voices in my head shut up and then just kick it away, down the building, until it smashes at the ground floor and I can train properly again. Then we lost as NC. And I began to doubt my abilities again and no matter how many times they said it wasn't my fault, I still thought it was. And until now I still do xD Guys, if you're reading this, no point denying because if I've had been a teensy little more qianbian, you'd have just crushed me with the runner up trophy 8)))))) 

Standard three life was one of just...messy messy messy. Haha. I remember sitting at the auditorium with a few of my squadmates and just talking about issues like all the time. Whether we had time or not. It seems funny that as a standard three we were already able to see the flaws in us. Maybe we weren't good enough to solve them (and thank you to everyone who helped us), but it was definitely a starting point. 

My third turning point was getting my appointment. It will forever remain as a bittersweet feeling because it's nice to work with people and when you finally get to be a Standard Four and the whole world changes forevermore. I learnt who will always be there and who would temporarily be there and who wouldn't bother to be there. It might hurt for a moment because there'd be people whom you THOUGHT would be there but in the end they didn't. When they first announced my role, I sat there dumbstruck and I remember Geena looking at me with that "8D" face (yes and as stupid xD) but I just gave her the ":/" face. And Pengfei wasn't looking very happy either about his appointment. And so was Keane. And many of my squadmates weren't happy as well. And I remember going out to meet Sir Kinkeong and discussing about how to be a good ________ (insert position here). I mean, it was all too fast. And then after I finished my speech, thank you Keane who was beside me, I just ran out of the classroom, all the way to the toilet on the first floor, locked the door and just cried and cried and cried and cried. 

Standard four would be now and I'm glad it'd be coming to an end. Pengfei, Keane and I slogged our guts out for the corps and I felt like I was working full time. Submitting proposals, getting my support wing to do stuff, meetings with the two others online and on whatsapp, going to school to meet Mr Lim and Sir Zoel etc etc etc etc etc. Now, I don't know what to make up of myself. People throw critics about my squad to me and I don't even feel like caring anymore. It's like you know those assholes are trying to stir up trouble and the things they say are not even true about us. So honestly, just let others say whatever the fuck they want because it's their mouths and as long as we're TRYING, I don't see where we're going wrong. 

I'm coming to the end of my really super long post and also I would like to start giving a closure to my SJ journey. It certainly has been very very very wonderful with all the people who have made it so special. I don't know if I'm going to sign on, but I'm leaning towards a no but nothing is definite because lol, I'm so fickle-minded O___O And right now, I know there are people supporting me but I don't feel it anymore. Thanks, but no it's not helping anymore I guess. Sometimes you walk through the darkest part of this journey and you find no one at that moment or at the end of it and when you're finally towards the end, it's like all the good stuff don't matter anymore. I'm still glad I spent almost 4 years here and I'm glad that people saw the change in me (be it good or bad I don't really care) because that's what I decided at the beginning when Mr Lim told me to make the best out of it. People who didn't even know me in the beginning and who always thought I'd be a nobody never did realize how fast I could climb the ladder, all the way up. That's why I always feel that the greatest people who gain from this SJ journey are not the ones who were already good in the beginning, but people who change from "slacker", "not zai", "sucky" to somebody that people will feel amazed at. I've certainly made the very best of what I could. I grabbed every opportunity and even when I gave up, I still turned around and went crawling back to whatever I had. I don't know why, but if your SJ journey was a bed of roses, or you've never felt even the slightest bit of meaning in it, or if you won't even miss anything in it, or you've just been like a spirit and floating through every single thing for 4 years, then I can surely say that you've wasted your time here. And I'm very certain about it. 

Probably gonna write another of such a post again *I HEAR THE GROANS* when I've finally passed out but until then,

me ;)

Oh no, this isn't a daily update but just a little reflection about what SJ has been up 'til now and everything. And no, this isn't ranting. And no, this isn't complaining. And no, I'm not bad mouthing anyone because I believe there's always two sides to every thing. 

I think, the very first day you enter this...thing (sorry idk how to describe it), you're made to believe that the people you see around you would be your everything (you'd always be sitting in a circle when this realization dawns upon you) and then all the sappy stuff people would say. And at that point in time, I guess I was a little wary about this, like, what the hell, I barely know these people. And like any other kid, I ran away from things I didn't like. And oh how I ran, I just didn't feel like appearing for things and I just tried my hand at disappearing. Until it came to a point where I felt like I wasn't doing anything right (and it was getting tiring) and something that Mr Lim said really woke me up, "You're already here. No point trying any way to get out. So make the best out of it." And hell I did try.

It's a very slooooooooooooow process of making the best out of it. It's like, every time you feel like the things that you're doing is stupid, you have to psycho yourself into thinking it's for the best. I mean, I still think that the things that we did were stupid, but looking back, I guess they were memories, be it good or bad. In any case, I think sometimes I didn't feel like giving in my best. And obviously I wasn't good at a lot of things. A LOT. I didn't know how to polish my boots, I didn't know how to tie a knot, I didn't know how to do treatment, I didn't know the I/C procedure, I didn't know flag raising or flag lowering procedure, I didn't know who to greet and I didn't know almost everything. 

There are many many many many turning points in SJ. Some people reach their turning point really quickly, while some take a long time. Some people just ENTER SJ with this aura and responsibility already (think Pengfei and Keane) and some people just tend to start showing leadership stuff when they're like STILL kids (think Geena). Yet some people only break through during JNCO, SNCO, instructor life, ANCO, and for the slightly unfortunate, just before POP. I can't really pinpoint when I reached a turning point because everything feels like a turning point to me. It's like I didn't want to be involved in squad issues or anything related to SJ, but then something just sucked me into it or circumstances just made me involved and BAAAAM, there I was organizing our squad first PT. Say what. Can't believe I was only a standard two then but I just felt so obliged to do things. Standard two is my favourite period of time because that's when our squad was the happiest and I felt the happiest and everything was just fun and games and never anything bad. So to any standard twos reading this (GO AWAY AHAHAHA), please treasure this year because after that nothing would be the same again. And then came JNCO and I was actually just floating through the camp and didn't feel like participating because I got so sick and tired of people screaming at us that I literally just felt like throwing benches at people and stuff. Until I became the I/C with Geena and LOL, we kind of had it worse then I imagined. Being an I/C during JNCO, you get to meet seniors up close and personal (okay ignore the personal part) and you see their faces in high definition when they scream at you and all you can do is try not to cringe. And I guess it was at JNCO where things opened my eyes to see that there are the people who are really good, they volunteer, they initiate, they cheer, they lead; there are the floaters, they do their stuff, they follow the rules, don't talk much; there are the slackers, basically like potatoes. And all through the camp, you see people sieving out the different people. And when I had my I/C evaluation with one of the Ma'ams, she said something to me I will never forget: "You are good, but you can't shine because you've always been in the shadow of the other I/C." and then I didn't get picked to be the key parade personnel but it didn't really matter to me because at that point in time I really didn't know what it was and I didn't want to get picked because it's so scary!!!! (Or so I thought but now I'm kind of...okay with it I guess :D) But after the camp, people came to talk to me and told me things like, aw man why didn't you get picked and I was really confused because I didn't WANT to actually get picked but I just didn't understand why people made a huge fuss about such things. And when I finally understood that when you get chosen as KPP, it's to "thank you and recognise you". Admit it, it's really like that. But in any case, I just wanted to say that I never felt like I was hiding in Geena's shadow because I am really grateful that she was there to save my ass so many times and to help me whenever I felt like some blur sotong. It was probably the best part of JNCO to work with you (:

And then in came rolling comp team. Another turning point. Those who are in comp team would know the story because we've said it so many times. And then there'd always be the point in time when I'd be training with the rest, and feeling like I shouldn't have agreed to be here because I obviously suck more than them. And up 'til now, sometimes that feeling would gnaw at my heart but I've learnt to just make the voices in my head shut up and then just kick it away, down the building, until it smashes at the ground floor and I can train properly again. Then we lost as NC. And I began to doubt my abilities again and no matter how many times they said it wasn't my fault, I still thought it was. And until now I still do xD Guys, if you're reading this, no point denying because if I've had been a teensy little more qianbian, you'd have just crushed me with the runner up trophy 8)))))) 

Standard three life was one of just...messy messy messy. Haha. I remember sitting at the auditorium with a few of my squadmates and just talking about issues like all the time. Whether we had time or not. It seems funny that as a standard three we were already able to see the flaws in us. Maybe we weren't good enough to solve them (and thank you to everyone who helped us), but it was definitely a starting point. 

My third turning point was getting my appointment. It will forever remain as a bittersweet feeling because it's nice to work with people and when you finally get to be a Standard Four and the whole world changes forevermore. I learnt who will always be there and who would temporarily be there and who wouldn't bother to be there. It might hurt for a moment because there'd be people whom you THOUGHT would be there but in the end they didn't. When they first announced my role, I sat there dumbstruck and I remember Geena looking at me with that "8D" face (yes and as stupid xD) but I just gave her the ":/" face. And Pengfei wasn't looking very happy either about his appointment. And so was Keane. And many of my squadmates weren't happy as well. And I remember going out to meet Sir Kinkeong and discussing about how to be a good ________ (insert position here). I mean, it was all too fast. And then after I finished my speech, thank you Keane who was beside me, I just ran out of the classroom, all the way to the toilet on the first floor, locked the door and just cried and cried and cried and cried. 

Standard four would be now and I'm glad it'd be coming to an end. Pengfei, Keane and I slogged our guts out for the corps and I felt like I was working full time. Submitting proposals, getting my support wing to do stuff, meetings with the two others online and on whatsapp, going to school to meet Mr Lim and Sir Zoel etc etc etc etc etc. Now, I don't know what to make up of myself. People throw critics about my squad to me and I don't even feel like caring anymore. It's like you know those assholes are trying to stir up trouble and the things they say are not even true about us. So honestly, just let others say whatever the fuck they want because it's their mouths and as long as we're TRYING, I don't see where we're going wrong. 

I'm coming to the end of my really super long post and also I would like to start giving a closure to my SJ journey. It certainly has been very very very wonderful with all the people who have made it so special. I don't know if I'm going to sign on, but I'm leaning towards a no but nothing is definite because lol, I'm so fickle-minded O___O And right now, I know there are people supporting me but I don't feel it anymore. Thanks, but no it's not helping anymore I guess. Sometimes you walk through the darkest part of this journey and you find no one at that moment or at the end of it and when you're finally towards the end, it's like all the good stuff don't matter anymore. I'm still glad I spent almost 4 years here and I'm glad that people saw the change in me (be it good or bad I don't really care) because that's what I decided at the beginning when Mr Lim told me to make the best out of it. People who didn't even know me in the beginning and who always thought I'd be a nobody never did realize how fast I could climb the ladder, all the way up. That's why I always feel that the greatest people who gain from this SJ journey are not the ones who were already good in the beginning, but people who change from "slacker", "not zai", "sucky" to somebody that people will feel amazed at. I've certainly made the very best of what I could. I grabbed every opportunity and even when I gave up, I still turned around and went crawling back to whatever I had. I don't know why, but if your SJ journey was a bed of roses, or you've never felt even the slightest bit of meaning in it, or if you won't even miss anything in it, or you've just been like a spirit and floating through every single thing for 4 years, then I can surely say that you've wasted your time here. And I'm very certain about it. 

Probably gonna write another of such a post again *I HEAR THE GROANS* when I've finally passed out but until then,

me ;)