At the end of every year I always conclude that it's been the most chaotic year ever. But 2014 has been, hands down, the most tumultuous year ever. 

Senior High has given me a lot of free time but I regret to say that I've not used them wisely and my grades are evidence of it. And every goal that I set for myself was not met and it's really disappointing to look back and say that I've probably only done well for 2 tests and they are not even from the same subject. It's not that I don't try, but I probably don't try hard enough. So that has to change in 2015. But I had fun while I didn't dedicate enough time to my priorities as a student. And I'm thankful for all these memories made with my friends and I'll never trade them for anything. Perhaps I just really need to manage my time better.

I started off the year with something so dear to me and I lost him towards the end of the year and it was the worst period of my life because I never hated myself so much and felt so confused and conflicted before. Some days I slip back into suddenly stopping in my tracks, looking around but still feel lost, and just wanting to curl up somewhere to cry. But it's okay. I've reached many checkpoints and it's many checkpoints until I can safely say that I'm okay. New year, new me, right?

I learnt a lot of things this year. And I'm growing as a person. I always believe that God saves the toughest battles for His strongest warriors and this probably hurt like hell, but there will definitely be more in the future for me to fight off. And I guess if I can eventually make it out of this, I will make it out of other things. 

I have to admit that I'm a generally sad person. And sometimes it feels wrong to be generally sad and some days I feel tired having to keep up with the image of being happy and having to smile when I really don't want to. But there's really no harm trying to turn my days around, even when I step out of the house feeling blue every morning. I tried to find happiness in someone else and perhaps we are at an age where there is too much living to do, and he has his way to go and better people to meet. I will continue trying to find happiness in other people because I can't find much in myself. But for now, I'm surviving on the little amount of happiness I have within and I can safely say that some days, my own happiness will suffice (: I start walking around aimlessly in malls and going into fitting rooms to try new clothes; I go to bookstores and buy pretty paper; I eat fried food as and when I feel like it; I look for books and set new goals to convince myself that my life is pretty organized, and that makes me feel slightly satisfied etc etc etc. 

It's really a roller coaster ride and maybe I will get over this, and maybe I won't. But I believe things will get better even if they don't fix themselves entirely. And I wish him all the best and all the happiness in the world because that's what matters to me the most. 

Another life-changing thing would probably be signing up for OGL. And to be honest, I signed up because I wanted something to be busy with so that I could stop moping around the place and actually have something to do. Even though I am suffering the repercussions of not finishing my homework earlier now, I still don't regret. I met so many new people and we're not exactly friends-friends yet for some people, but it's just great to know more people. I mean, these people have been with me since Year 1 and it would be a pity to leave the school without knowing all of them (: And I like the idea of being part of something bigger since I've pretty much been hiding in my comfort zone for a really long time. So I'm really thankful for the opportunity. AND ORIENTATION IS COMING SOON, IN A FEW DAYS. All the preparation and effort and time really make me feel so... 

A levels year. Finally growing up a little more and leaving this place I've called home for the past 5 years and entering a bigger place. It scares me a little and I'm definitely not ready but we'll never be fully ready for changes, especially the big ones. It's probably not going to be an easy year, but here's me taking it slow and steady (:

On a sidenote, I am pre-postponing all my travel plans ('pre-postponing' because they are not even set in stone yet) because of all the things that have been happening. Am so sorry to hear about all that has happened and please keep all of the families in prayer.   

At the end of every year I always conclude that it's been the most chaotic year ever. But 2014 has been, hands down, the most tumultuous year ever. 

Senior High has given me a lot of free time but I regret to say that I've not used them wisely and my grades are evidence of it. And every goal that I set for myself was not met and it's really disappointing to look back and say that I've probably only done well for 2 tests and they are not even from the same subject. It's not that I don't try, but I probably don't try hard enough. So that has to change in 2015. But I had fun while I didn't dedicate enough time to my priorities as a student. And I'm thankful for all these memories made with my friends and I'll never trade them for anything. Perhaps I just really need to manage my time better.

I started off the year with something so dear to me and I lost him towards the end of the year and it was the worst period of my life because I never hated myself so much and felt so confused and conflicted before. Some days I slip back into suddenly stopping in my tracks, looking around but still feel lost, and just wanting to curl up somewhere to cry. But it's okay. I've reached many checkpoints and it's many checkpoints until I can safely say that I'm okay. New year, new me, right?

I learnt a lot of things this year. And I'm growing as a person. I always believe that God saves the toughest battles for His strongest warriors and this probably hurt like hell, but there will definitely be more in the future for me to fight off. And I guess if I can eventually make it out of this, I will make it out of other things. 

I have to admit that I'm a generally sad person. And sometimes it feels wrong to be generally sad and some days I feel tired having to keep up with the image of being happy and having to smile when I really don't want to. But there's really no harm trying to turn my days around, even when I step out of the house feeling blue every morning. I tried to find happiness in someone else and perhaps we are at an age where there is too much living to do, and he has his way to go and better people to meet. I will continue trying to find happiness in other people because I can't find much in myself. But for now, I'm surviving on the little amount of happiness I have within and I can safely say that some days, my own happiness will suffice (: I start walking around aimlessly in malls and going into fitting rooms to try new clothes; I go to bookstores and buy pretty paper; I eat fried food as and when I feel like it; I look for books and set new goals to convince myself that my life is pretty organized, and that makes me feel slightly satisfied etc etc etc. 

It's really a roller coaster ride and maybe I will get over this, and maybe I won't. But I believe things will get better even if they don't fix themselves entirely. And I wish him all the best and all the happiness in the world because that's what matters to me the most. 

Another life-changing thing would probably be signing up for OGL. And to be honest, I signed up because I wanted something to be busy with so that I could stop moping around the place and actually have something to do. Even though I am suffering the repercussions of not finishing my homework earlier now, I still don't regret. I met so many new people and we're not exactly friends-friends yet for some people, but it's just great to know more people. I mean, these people have been with me since Year 1 and it would be a pity to leave the school without knowing all of them (: And I like the idea of being part of something bigger since I've pretty much been hiding in my comfort zone for a really long time. So I'm really thankful for the opportunity. AND ORIENTATION IS COMING SOON, IN A FEW DAYS. All the preparation and effort and time really make me feel so... 

A levels year. Finally growing up a little more and leaving this place I've called home for the past 5 years and entering a bigger place. It scares me a little and I'm definitely not ready but we'll never be fully ready for changes, especially the big ones. It's probably not going to be an easy year, but here's me taking it slow and steady (:

On a sidenote, I am pre-postponing all my travel plans ('pre-postponing' because they are not even set in stone yet) because of all the things that have been happening. Am so sorry to hear about all that has happened and please keep all of the families in prayer.