These days I've been feeling pretty okay. Especially when I get so caught up doing things that I'm really enjoying, or simply just talking to tons of people. And it's good because I forget to be sad and that life is actually okay. Perhaps it's even picking up its beat and starting to get more and more exciting. But of course out pf everything there will be times when I walk past somewhere we've been to before and things that we used to share, and then there will be that queasy feeling in me - like when you're on the verge of deciding whether or not to break or remain calm - and then it's fleeting but it also comes at the most random of times. One day from today, exactly last year, was the time when we went to the zoo and I was so worried he'd think that it'd be boring because it was raining and the animals weren't even moving but it ended up being okay, even though I thought it wouldn't be. And then fast forward to now, we aren't even talking and I'm probably thinking of a gazillion ways to find my way back to being normal while he probably just wants to go anywhere as long as it's as far away from me as possible, 

Anyway, I've been thinking if it's really wrong to have expectations of people. I mean, everyone loves the initial stages of a relationship, when there are no expectations and people just find joy in being in the presence of the other person. And then people transit into the comfortable stage where you don't always have to look your best or say the right things but you're still loved. And then things either take flight or go downhill from here. We start finding faults and nitpicking at everything. But then I really wonder if it's not supposed to be like that. Well, the only reason I know why people would struggle through this stage after everything sweet and nice is because they start imagining a life with the other person and everything just becomes more realistic. It isn't all fantasy and make-believe and two people spinning in circles, oblivious to the world. I guess everyone will have to go past that phase of flowers and butterflies and prancing fireflies and all. And so we want to be better versions of ourselves. And it either works out here or it doesn't. Some people break under the pressure and then it takes its toll on everything and then because there isn't proper explanations for many more things, then everything just falls apart. 

All that I remember brings me back to you.

But regardless of whatever happens, I guess it's just important to always live recklessly so at the end of the day when you look back you won't ever have any doubt left to feel because what you've wanted to know or what you've wanted to do, you've done it anyway. And every moment is a new moment, so we shouldn't carry pre-conceived thoughts about it because not everything ends up being the same as whatever happened in the past. 

Being sad about something else made me stop being sad about myself. And even though some nights I still sit at the edge of my bed and wonder why I'm feeling like that and get all upset again, but it's okay. We should just feel upset about the things that we can change but we didn't get a chance to, rather than the things that are already set in stone. And I know I cannot change who I am and how I think; I can only put these feelings off for a little while. 

These days I've been feeling pretty okay. Especially when I get so caught up doing things that I'm really enjoying, or simply just talking to tons of people. And it's good because I forget to be sad and that life is actually okay. Perhaps it's even picking up its beat and starting to get more and more exciting. But of course out pf everything there will be times when I walk past somewhere we've been to before and things that we used to share, and then there will be that queasy feeling in me - like when you're on the verge of deciding whether or not to break or remain calm - and then it's fleeting but it also comes at the most random of times. One day from today, exactly last year, was the time when we went to the zoo and I was so worried he'd think that it'd be boring because it was raining and the animals weren't even moving but it ended up being okay, even though I thought it wouldn't be. And then fast forward to now, we aren't even talking and I'm probably thinking of a gazillion ways to find my way back to being normal while he probably just wants to go anywhere as long as it's as far away from me as possible, 

Anyway, I've been thinking if it's really wrong to have expectations of people. I mean, everyone loves the initial stages of a relationship, when there are no expectations and people just find joy in being in the presence of the other person. And then people transit into the comfortable stage where you don't always have to look your best or say the right things but you're still loved. And then things either take flight or go downhill from here. We start finding faults and nitpicking at everything. But then I really wonder if it's not supposed to be like that. Well, the only reason I know why people would struggle through this stage after everything sweet and nice is because they start imagining a life with the other person and everything just becomes more realistic. It isn't all fantasy and make-believe and two people spinning in circles, oblivious to the world. I guess everyone will have to go past that phase of flowers and butterflies and prancing fireflies and all. And so we want to be better versions of ourselves. And it either works out here or it doesn't. Some people break under the pressure and then it takes its toll on everything and then because there isn't proper explanations for many more things, then everything just falls apart. 

All that I remember brings me back to you.

But regardless of whatever happens, I guess it's just important to always live recklessly so at the end of the day when you look back you won't ever have any doubt left to feel because what you've wanted to know or what you've wanted to do, you've done it anyway. And every moment is a new moment, so we shouldn't carry pre-conceived thoughts about it because not everything ends up being the same as whatever happened in the past. 

Being sad about something else made me stop being sad about myself. And even though some nights I still sit at the edge of my bed and wonder why I'm feeling like that and get all upset again, but it's okay. We should just feel upset about the things that we can change but we didn't get a chance to, rather than the things that are already set in stone. And I know I cannot change who I am and how I think; I can only put these feelings off for a little while.