Pressing issue and I needed to get it out. Hence here I am.

I changed my shampoo and I felt something pinch at my heart when I massaged it into my scalp because you used to tell me I smell nice but I shouldn't be thinking about this right now, should I?

Anyway, these few days I've been feeling pretty lonely and it isn't because I've been cooped up at home and not meeting people, but more of like I'm surrounded by so many people but I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Whenever I always say like I feel that people don't care, it's not because I am an ungrateful bitch and that I forget about the people around me, but it's more of like I know people but they don't know me. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I always feel that people are so passive. I always remind myself that people won't stay forever and we always have to seize every opportunity to remind them that they matter to you. But that's not what everyone thinks, I guess. I think I'm really tired always being the one who's asking people if they're eating, if they're coming to school, if they want to watch a movie, if they want to meet up, and more and more and more and more. Most of the time I feel like I'm the only one getting excited about plans that I make with people and then I tweet about it, post a photo about it and everything. And I really wonder what the other person feels and do they even appreciate my presence as much as I appreciate theirs. I'm not saying that there isn't anyone who does that, but there are people who just make me feel like I'm there for nothing. 

I don't like walking in a group and not understanding any conversation that is going on because I'm not part of it anyway. And what's worse is when everyone is walking in front and I'm left with no one to talk to. And when I try to join in the conversation, I hate that one second when you decide to attempt to make your voice heard because you aren't even sure if people want you to be around. I hate it when those friends are all chummy with you when the two of you are alone, but when they make new friends or when they're with more people, they forget that you even exist. And they only come to you when they need something or when they "miraculously remember you". 

What's worse are those people who talk to you when they're bored and then leave once they found something more entertaining. Like what the fuck is wrong with you. I don't have to elaborate on such people. 

I think that if your chaotic life puts stress on your relationships with people then these relationships aren't genuine. It takes two hands to clap and both parties have to put in effort to maintain these relationships because once one party stops, the other won't see the point of putting in effort anymore. 

You know that kind of feeling, when people mention "friends" and some people probably top your list, but then you know that people won't even think about you. You want to share with others about what's going on in your life and things you feel happy or upset about, but you know that they wouldn't tell you about what's going on in their lives and they won't run to you with a problem. 

I wonder if people even genuinely want to know me anymore. Perhaps always a second choice, an option, a rebound.

Extremely tired of human interaction. People cheat, lie, and mentally kill one another for God knows what reason. This is crazy. I can't wait to move to the mountains with someone I would love to spend the rest of my life with (someone who won't cheat, lie and mentally kill me) and then I'll just live there forever and ever and ever and I won't have to deal with tiresome and complicated people.

And I miss you. 

Pressing issue and I needed to get it out. Hence here I am.

I changed my shampoo and I felt something pinch at my heart when I massaged it into my scalp because you used to tell me I smell nice but I shouldn't be thinking about this right now, should I?

Anyway, these few days I've been feeling pretty lonely and it isn't because I've been cooped up at home and not meeting people, but more of like I'm surrounded by so many people but I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Whenever I always say like I feel that people don't care, it's not because I am an ungrateful bitch and that I forget about the people around me, but it's more of like I know people but they don't know me. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I always feel that people are so passive. I always remind myself that people won't stay forever and we always have to seize every opportunity to remind them that they matter to you. But that's not what everyone thinks, I guess. I think I'm really tired always being the one who's asking people if they're eating, if they're coming to school, if they want to watch a movie, if they want to meet up, and more and more and more and more. Most of the time I feel like I'm the only one getting excited about plans that I make with people and then I tweet about it, post a photo about it and everything. And I really wonder what the other person feels and do they even appreciate my presence as much as I appreciate theirs. I'm not saying that there isn't anyone who does that, but there are people who just make me feel like I'm there for nothing. 

I don't like walking in a group and not understanding any conversation that is going on because I'm not part of it anyway. And what's worse is when everyone is walking in front and I'm left with no one to talk to. And when I try to join in the conversation, I hate that one second when you decide to attempt to make your voice heard because you aren't even sure if people want you to be around. I hate it when those friends are all chummy with you when the two of you are alone, but when they make new friends or when they're with more people, they forget that you even exist. And they only come to you when they need something or when they "miraculously remember you". 

What's worse are those people who talk to you when they're bored and then leave once they found something more entertaining. Like what the fuck is wrong with you. I don't have to elaborate on such people. 

I think that if your chaotic life puts stress on your relationships with people then these relationships aren't genuine. It takes two hands to clap and both parties have to put in effort to maintain these relationships because once one party stops, the other won't see the point of putting in effort anymore. 

You know that kind of feeling, when people mention "friends" and some people probably top your list, but then you know that people won't even think about you. You want to share with others about what's going on in your life and things you feel happy or upset about, but you know that they wouldn't tell you about what's going on in their lives and they won't run to you with a problem. 

I wonder if people even genuinely want to know me anymore. Perhaps always a second choice, an option, a rebound.

Extremely tired of human interaction. People cheat, lie, and mentally kill one another for God knows what reason. This is crazy. I can't wait to move to the mountains with someone I would love to spend the rest of my life with (someone who won't cheat, lie and mentally kill me) and then I'll just live there forever and ever and ever and I won't have to deal with tiresome and complicated people.

And I miss you.