Every morning, I get two tries at having a good day. Sometimes I open my eyes and I feel positive and alright and I get out of bed feeling as if I could just conquer the world. But sometimes I open my eyes and that instant when you regain your bearings and you remember where you are and what happened, I just end up in a mess. On a lucky day when I get to sleep in, I force myself to go back to sleep so that when I wake up I can try that all over again and maybe this time I can wake up feeling okay. On days that I have to be somewhere by some time, I have to bear with all the feelings of inadequacy and try not to fall apart while doing what I'm supposed to do. And today just happens to be a bad day not because I didn't get to sleep in or try to fall asleep again but I tried it and it didn't work. It's been 2 months but some days I just wake up and burst into tears and I don't know how long this is going to take. It feels like forever. 

The last time this happened I took two whole years to get over it. And in these two years I literally felt myself wasting away (you can read more from the blog's archives) and I was so lost. Well, until he came along but that's besides the point. And I think now when I look back I don't know how I managed to finally pick myself up because all I remembered was that I was just a kid and I didn't know that I had the capabilities to feel so much for anything. I remember running down a road and telling myself that this would be the last time I'd allow myself to think about it but of course it didn't work; it'd have been so much easier if it did work. And I have this whole bag of letters that I wrote to him and it did help me feel better until one day I could finally stop writing and feel okay. 

I remember when we were 13 or 14 he said that he wished that we could stay like this forever and I told him it was impossible because we were just kids. And so now I am wondering: which part of me thought that just because I grew up by 3 years, things would end up differently? It wasn't easy to put away almost 2 years worth of memories and now we aren't friends either. Perhaps he sees it as a little mistake when he was a kid, especially when we didn't know anything. But isn't that the best part? Not knowing anything and seeing the person as he/she is and not caring about anything other than the fact that he/she makes you happy and you just want him/her by your side? I don't know, but I just thought that was the greatest part of all.

I wrote a lot during that period of time, and I filled countless of notebooks until I didn't know what else to write anymore. And it got weird writing letters that I'd never send while he continues to live his life away from me. And when he re-entered my life as less than even a "hi-bye" friend, it took me everything to stop even wishing things would suddenly fall into place and now with a little more brains and a little less of hearts, we could make things work again. Now, things are different. When I write, I feel a moment of release but then minutes later, I wish I didn't write because I just feel like a wreck. Previously I didn't talk to anyone about it and just kept it in because no one could really understand why I was so affected by something that was seen as just a plaything to others. And my friends didn't know about it and this thing just faded into the background and I could never bring myself to bring it up in detail. Just mentioned it in passing. Now I talk about it, not about the details, but just about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. And it's the same where I feel okay and I feel that the fact that I'm able to bravely face my emotions is a sign of healing. But then the next morning I replay everything I said, along with all the memories I have left, and I don't feel so strong anymore. So now I'm not even sure if I should run away from things and just bury it under many many layers of whatever's in my brain and heart. 

He's everywhere. I can feel him everywhere and this needs to stop. It's like how tuition is starting again for me but I don't want to think about how he used to wait with me. I don't want this to happen please. 

I hate overthinking about this entire situation and why can't I just take it as it is and retreat into my own corner? Can you believe that it's over just like that? I don't even want to look back to see when the first signs of trouble first started. I don't even want to think about all the things we planned to do, now that I have to do them alone. I don't even want to give myself false hope yet at the same time I wish I could live in denial forever. I don't even want to know if he has truly loved before because all I know is that I did and that I threw away all my pride and everything that ever made me who I was, and now there's someone new in me albeit a little broken here and there. I'm not even sure if I've turned into a better person and even if I did I only want him to see that I'm okay and that it's okay and I don't need him to hold the world up for me. But no, what stupid dreams and fantasies. I just want to make everything alright for him and to let him know that he isn't alone and that there's someone out there who doesn't care if he's all messed up inside or outside; there is still someone who would want to hold you until you're strong enough to stand on your own.

Rainbow Rowell said that 17 year olds don't deserve happy endings; they deserve beginnings. But now I feel like I've reached the end of finding myself again and it's just a downhill thing where everything is spiraling out of control.

Will I take another two years because that's far too long and I don't think I want to stick around to find out.

Every morning, I get two tries at having a good day. Sometimes I open my eyes and I feel positive and alright and I get out of bed feeling as if I could just conquer the world. But sometimes I open my eyes and that instant when you regain your bearings and you remember where you are and what happened, I just end up in a mess. On a lucky day when I get to sleep in, I force myself to go back to sleep so that when I wake up I can try that all over again and maybe this time I can wake up feeling okay. On days that I have to be somewhere by some time, I have to bear with all the feelings of inadequacy and try not to fall apart while doing what I'm supposed to do. And today just happens to be a bad day not because I didn't get to sleep in or try to fall asleep again but I tried it and it didn't work. It's been 2 months but some days I just wake up and burst into tears and I don't know how long this is going to take. It feels like forever. 

The last time this happened I took two whole years to get over it. And in these two years I literally felt myself wasting away (you can read more from the blog's archives) and I was so lost. Well, until he came along but that's besides the point. And I think now when I look back I don't know how I managed to finally pick myself up because all I remembered was that I was just a kid and I didn't know that I had the capabilities to feel so much for anything. I remember running down a road and telling myself that this would be the last time I'd allow myself to think about it but of course it didn't work; it'd have been so much easier if it did work. And I have this whole bag of letters that I wrote to him and it did help me feel better until one day I could finally stop writing and feel okay. 

I remember when we were 13 or 14 he said that he wished that we could stay like this forever and I told him it was impossible because we were just kids. And so now I am wondering: which part of me thought that just because I grew up by 3 years, things would end up differently? It wasn't easy to put away almost 2 years worth of memories and now we aren't friends either. Perhaps he sees it as a little mistake when he was a kid, especially when we didn't know anything. But isn't that the best part? Not knowing anything and seeing the person as he/she is and not caring about anything other than the fact that he/she makes you happy and you just want him/her by your side? I don't know, but I just thought that was the greatest part of all.

I wrote a lot during that period of time, and I filled countless of notebooks until I didn't know what else to write anymore. And it got weird writing letters that I'd never send while he continues to live his life away from me. And when he re-entered my life as less than even a "hi-bye" friend, it took me everything to stop even wishing things would suddenly fall into place and now with a little more brains and a little less of hearts, we could make things work again. Now, things are different. When I write, I feel a moment of release but then minutes later, I wish I didn't write because I just feel like a wreck. Previously I didn't talk to anyone about it and just kept it in because no one could really understand why I was so affected by something that was seen as just a plaything to others. And my friends didn't know about it and this thing just faded into the background and I could never bring myself to bring it up in detail. Just mentioned it in passing. Now I talk about it, not about the details, but just about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. And it's the same where I feel okay and I feel that the fact that I'm able to bravely face my emotions is a sign of healing. But then the next morning I replay everything I said, along with all the memories I have left, and I don't feel so strong anymore. So now I'm not even sure if I should run away from things and just bury it under many many layers of whatever's in my brain and heart. 

He's everywhere. I can feel him everywhere and this needs to stop. It's like how tuition is starting again for me but I don't want to think about how he used to wait with me. I don't want this to happen please. 

I hate overthinking about this entire situation and why can't I just take it as it is and retreat into my own corner? Can you believe that it's over just like that? I don't even want to look back to see when the first signs of trouble first started. I don't even want to think about all the things we planned to do, now that I have to do them alone. I don't even want to give myself false hope yet at the same time I wish I could live in denial forever. I don't even want to know if he has truly loved before because all I know is that I did and that I threw away all my pride and everything that ever made me who I was, and now there's someone new in me albeit a little broken here and there. I'm not even sure if I've turned into a better person and even if I did I only want him to see that I'm okay and that it's okay and I don't need him to hold the world up for me. But no, what stupid dreams and fantasies. I just want to make everything alright for him and to let him know that he isn't alone and that there's someone out there who doesn't care if he's all messed up inside or outside; there is still someone who would want to hold you until you're strong enough to stand on your own.

Rainbow Rowell said that 17 year olds don't deserve happy endings; they deserve beginnings. But now I feel like I've reached the end of finding myself again and it's just a downhill thing where everything is spiraling out of control.

Will I take another two years because that's far too long and I don't think I want to stick around to find out.