My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways.
Saturday, August 3, 20135:41 PM
Currently having a lot of feelings that I are so conflicting and that's why I'm here. I think I need to create a private place where I can just let everything out because writing is too time and energy consuming and everywhere's not safe at all. Why do I even have a blog in the first place.
I really really really cannot stand it when people don't practise what they preach. It's like, they make you do stuff or they say things but they don't do it themselves. It's really getting on my nerves. I wouldn't even mind that much if you didn't say anything at all, at least I wouldn't expect something out of you. But when you do, then you better do it too because it's just words filled with emptiness. Before you even say anything, would you please look around you; look at yourself, before deciding to say anything because it's really annoying.
And I'm really tired of people accusing me of things that I didn't do. Really. No one knows best what I'm doing and what I've done, what gives you the right to point fingers at me. If I said I didn't do it, then I didn't do it. What good do I get out of lying and cheapening my integrity over stupid things? All you like to do is just to use these words against me and make me feel bad about myself and I really don't know what to do because you wouldn't believe anything I say.
If you search, deep enough, hard enough, between all the laugh lines, you'd find all the wrinkles that shouldn't exist.
When I commit to something, I give my all and things like "less than 100%" don't even exist in my dictionary. And I've found a new drive to keep me going. It's going to get me exhausted but I'm willing to give it my best and give it my all. It's only going to be a year and a half, I know I can do this and suffering doesn't even last forever. I like this new mentality but it's hurting too. It hurts to know that at the end of the day, I'm going to have to give more than 100% and while I'm not complaining, I just wished that someone would do me justice and give me some rest. Some well deserved rest. It hurts to fight for so long yet see no results. It hurts to know that you'd fight for these people, give them everything they want and need, protect them so they'd never feel the same way you did. But the thing that hurts the most is knowing they'd never do the same for you.
Worthless.
In today's world, or the world that has now become what it is today, unless you're an epitome of perfection, you're just there. Like, there. Walking and breathing and treading on this beautiful Earth, feeling every bit of ugliness you may possess. And it's sad that I know that today, if today were my last day, I would have done nothing great and nothing powerful and nothing that anyone would remember me of. I would be just another family member, just another friend, just another school mate, just another human. I don't even want to be told that I mean something to someone anymore because it doesn't show and I don't want to hear anyone redefine it for me anymore. It just gets so tiring to always be ignored, always to be put on their "waiting list", and when I'm just alone.
Trying to find happiness in a reality that doesn't belong to me.
I need something constant in my life. Everything's changing.
Alright, that's all. Goodbye (:
xoxo,
me
