"We used to love, please don't make me cry..."

Currently in this...indescribable mood and I just felt like I should talk about this before I go insane. Anyway, I think the word "indescribable" means a lot to me because it mainly sums up 90% of the things I feel and because someone once used it to describe me. And it wasn't a compliment. 

I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my family, but at the same time I wouldn't say it is very bitter either. I mean, we get along okay most of the time, and ultimately there are times where I would enjoy being with them. But I think you know when it gets a little strained, especially when you rather spend time outside rather than going home. If I look at how much time I spend at home, that would probably be from 9PM to 6:45AM, which is a total of 9 hours and 45 minutes everyday. And most of the 9 hours and 45 minutes is spent on my own. So I think the only time I see my family is when we come together to watch shows for about 2 hours and then the rest is on our own. And then they say that it's because we always hole up in our rooms but technically speaking, no one puts in effort. We come home at odd times and we seldom eat together. They do things like lazing around, surfing the net, watching shows until it's past midnight when I have my homework to do and my own things to do. It's too late to do any "family" stuff and so no one bothers. Mostly, one of us screws up, and then everything goes downhill.

I would like to think that most of the time it's them dampening the mood of everyone, but I have my part to play as well and I don't deny it. But what I really really really detest is the fact that they like to bring discontentment from somewhere else back home, and that leads to them taking out their anger or disappointment on everything we do. And that sucks. Because I'm tired from my day too, and then one thing leads to another, so by the time we're all home and sitting around together, we're practically fuming and frothing at the mouth. It's complicated, things outside of our home that we involve ourselves with. And ever so often I wish these things didn't exist because they made my life very dark for a while, but as I grew, I learnt that this is family and there's no way to shirk responsibility from family, and while these things suck, they make my family what it is today. And I can't do anything about it. It's a suck-it-up kind of thing. 

The only thing that saddens me all the time is when they destroy the mood. There are times when we can be having so much fun, to the point that I actually feel guilty silently disliking them the previous day. And then I say something wrong (which I don't feel that it's wrong), and it just sets something off in them and then everything goes haywire. We can be laughing one moment, and shouting at each other the next. Or, them shouting because when I get into such situations, the only thing I know I should do is to shut up. Not apologise because I didn't do or say anything wrong, not defend myself because it's no use; but just shut up and whatever I have to say, swallow it. There's no point fighting for my stand because these are people who have thoughts louder than any noise, and anything other than their thoughts are classified as rubbish. 

I think I lied somewhere that they don't really care about my grades. What bullshit. Please tell me which parent wouldn't want the best for their kids. But whatever, I don't know how to go about pleasing them because I don't even know how to satisfy myself.

Parents breed similar behaving kids. I don't deny that. As much as I disagree with things that they do, I know every single thing I do is somewhat related to them, no matter how similar or different. If I'm going to swear that I would never be a parent like them I'd be lying because who am I kidding: I was brought up this way. 

I've stopped wishing that they would listen and try to understand me because given the chance to talk to them about what's happening in my life right now, I know I wouldn't. It's not that I don't want them to be involved in my life, it's just that I'm tired of not receiving the response I want. I don't need them to be there all the time. I just need them to be there at the right time, right place. I need them to say the right things I want to hear. I know I am a disappointment to them, no point telling me "oh, you're their daughter, they'll never be disappointed". Bullshit. I know disappointment when I see it. Please tell me how I'm supposed to feel when they tell my sister that they hope she'll never turn out like me. What does that make me? An outsider? Well, thank you very much, you've successfully made me feel like one. It's because these things happen that I want to exclude them from my lives because nothing I do is right, and nothing I say is right, and whatever I feel right now, it's probably not right as well.

The funny thing is that we don't argue about "teenage" things. It's not things like, oh, you can't be in a relationship with someone, you're coming home too late, you're using too much of your pocket money and stuff like that. And I'm not acting like an insolent bitch whereby I just want to be defiant and go against everything they say. To be honest I am trying to please you (that's why I just try to agree with everything you say, though I don't agree to most of them), whether sincerely or sarcastically. I just don't understand what's going wrong because all I know is that I can hardly go through a day without you snapping at me and that feeling is horrible.

I don't like it when people try too hard. And especially when they're obviously not something, but they try so so so hard to be like someone. Please. You were never meant to be like that so can you just accept the fact and get on with your life. I don't like it when they try to look cool and say things that they think is cool. It's not that I'm embarrassed of you guys, if you ever thought I was. I just feel that you shouldn't be someone you aren't at home. You're not that nice at home as you are to me outside. And I know that. You lose your temper so easily. You're not that patient with me. I know. And I wish you'd stop acting like I don't. 

I don't know why I'm even writing all these here. It's not like anyone can do anything about it and as much as I hope that something will change, I sure as hell wouldn't want them to read all these. Because I know it wouldn't change a thing, and I know it would just make matters worse. And I know that nothing will change, but it'd make me feel better if I act like someone cares about what's happening at home. 

Nothing is happening at home, though. Just me wishing that their words didn't carry thorns and that I can feel that I'm worth something around here. Because as far as I know, I don't want to dread coming home.

On a side note, I am re-living things I don't want to. It's like opening a closed wound and dashing salt all over it. I don't know what to feel about it. It doesn't even hurt that bad. It's more of a sore feeling, like i'm just watching it replay in my head, over and over and over.

Never used to dedicate an entire post (a long one, in fact) for such stuff. I try to hide all these in a summary of my day but nowadays it's getting worse and I've got nothing much to look forward to. I'm sorry.

xoxo,

me

P.S. I don't know why I'm using such beautiful photos for such an ugly post. I'm marring their beauty for making them exist here. 

"We used to love, please don't make me cry..."

Currently in this...indescribable mood and I just felt like I should talk about this before I go insane. Anyway, I think the word "indescribable" means a lot to me because it mainly sums up 90% of the things I feel and because someone once used it to describe me. And it wasn't a compliment. 

I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my family, but at the same time I wouldn't say it is very bitter either. I mean, we get along okay most of the time, and ultimately there are times where I would enjoy being with them. But I think you know when it gets a little strained, especially when you rather spend time outside rather than going home. If I look at how much time I spend at home, that would probably be from 9PM to 6:45AM, which is a total of 9 hours and 45 minutes everyday. And most of the 9 hours and 45 minutes is spent on my own. So I think the only time I see my family is when we come together to watch shows for about 2 hours and then the rest is on our own. And then they say that it's because we always hole up in our rooms but technically speaking, no one puts in effort. We come home at odd times and we seldom eat together. They do things like lazing around, surfing the net, watching shows until it's past midnight when I have my homework to do and my own things to do. It's too late to do any "family" stuff and so no one bothers. Mostly, one of us screws up, and then everything goes downhill.

I would like to think that most of the time it's them dampening the mood of everyone, but I have my part to play as well and I don't deny it. But what I really really really detest is the fact that they like to bring discontentment from somewhere else back home, and that leads to them taking out their anger or disappointment on everything we do. And that sucks. Because I'm tired from my day too, and then one thing leads to another, so by the time we're all home and sitting around together, we're practically fuming and frothing at the mouth. It's complicated, things outside of our home that we involve ourselves with. And ever so often I wish these things didn't exist because they made my life very dark for a while, but as I grew, I learnt that this is family and there's no way to shirk responsibility from family, and while these things suck, they make my family what it is today. And I can't do anything about it. It's a suck-it-up kind of thing. 

The only thing that saddens me all the time is when they destroy the mood. There are times when we can be having so much fun, to the point that I actually feel guilty silently disliking them the previous day. And then I say something wrong (which I don't feel that it's wrong), and it just sets something off in them and then everything goes haywire. We can be laughing one moment, and shouting at each other the next. Or, them shouting because when I get into such situations, the only thing I know I should do is to shut up. Not apologise because I didn't do or say anything wrong, not defend myself because it's no use; but just shut up and whatever I have to say, swallow it. There's no point fighting for my stand because these are people who have thoughts louder than any noise, and anything other than their thoughts are classified as rubbish. 

I think I lied somewhere that they don't really care about my grades. What bullshit. Please tell me which parent wouldn't want the best for their kids. But whatever, I don't know how to go about pleasing them because I don't even know how to satisfy myself.

Parents breed similar behaving kids. I don't deny that. As much as I disagree with things that they do, I know every single thing I do is somewhat related to them, no matter how similar or different. If I'm going to swear that I would never be a parent like them I'd be lying because who am I kidding: I was brought up this way. 

I've stopped wishing that they would listen and try to understand me because given the chance to talk to them about what's happening in my life right now, I know I wouldn't. It's not that I don't want them to be involved in my life, it's just that I'm tired of not receiving the response I want. I don't need them to be there all the time. I just need them to be there at the right time, right place. I need them to say the right things I want to hear. I know I am a disappointment to them, no point telling me "oh, you're their daughter, they'll never be disappointed". Bullshit. I know disappointment when I see it. Please tell me how I'm supposed to feel when they tell my sister that they hope she'll never turn out like me. What does that make me? An outsider? Well, thank you very much, you've successfully made me feel like one. It's because these things happen that I want to exclude them from my lives because nothing I do is right, and nothing I say is right, and whatever I feel right now, it's probably not right as well.

The funny thing is that we don't argue about "teenage" things. It's not things like, oh, you can't be in a relationship with someone, you're coming home too late, you're using too much of your pocket money and stuff like that. And I'm not acting like an insolent bitch whereby I just want to be defiant and go against everything they say. To be honest I am trying to please you (that's why I just try to agree with everything you say, though I don't agree to most of them), whether sincerely or sarcastically. I just don't understand what's going wrong because all I know is that I can hardly go through a day without you snapping at me and that feeling is horrible.

I don't like it when people try too hard. And especially when they're obviously not something, but they try so so so hard to be like someone. Please. You were never meant to be like that so can you just accept the fact and get on with your life. I don't like it when they try to look cool and say things that they think is cool. It's not that I'm embarrassed of you guys, if you ever thought I was. I just feel that you shouldn't be someone you aren't at home. You're not that nice at home as you are to me outside. And I know that. You lose your temper so easily. You're not that patient with me. I know. And I wish you'd stop acting like I don't. 

I don't know why I'm even writing all these here. It's not like anyone can do anything about it and as much as I hope that something will change, I sure as hell wouldn't want them to read all these. Because I know it wouldn't change a thing, and I know it would just make matters worse. And I know that nothing will change, but it'd make me feel better if I act like someone cares about what's happening at home. 

Nothing is happening at home, though. Just me wishing that their words didn't carry thorns and that I can feel that I'm worth something around here. Because as far as I know, I don't want to dread coming home.

On a side note, I am re-living things I don't want to. It's like opening a closed wound and dashing salt all over it. I don't know what to feel about it. It doesn't even hurt that bad. It's more of a sore feeling, like i'm just watching it replay in my head, over and over and over.

Never used to dedicate an entire post (a long one, in fact) for such stuff. I try to hide all these in a summary of my day but nowadays it's getting worse and I've got nothing much to look forward to. I'm sorry.

xoxo,

me

P.S. I don't know why I'm using such beautiful photos for such an ugly post. I'm marring their beauty for making them exist here.