"Here comes the pain, here comes me wishing things had never changed..."

I think this is when reality hits me (finally) that POP is over. It's not even the end, it's like after-effects of the end. Do I make sense? :/ 

Anyway, POP was really great (: I think it's different to be at the receiving end of stuff for once, especially since being an instructor means giving and everything. Well, we do receive, but not in tangible sense I guess (: I think I was really worried about parade because we only had ONE official practice, and my skirt was really crumpled (sucks to not have a uniform cover TT^TT) hahahaha but during the actual parade it went fine, other than the one time that the MCs didn't wait for me to change the squad back into three rank squad ): WHYYYY haha, made me panic so badly D: 

I think I didn't feel so much during march pass because I didn't look at my SMC officers' faces. Mostly because I know that if I did, I would cry. Now I kind of regret because I'm sure that if I did, I would feel much more than I did. How's this for another life regret? (there're already so many) And then the running out of parade and being led by Pengfei (which was a bad choice because this guy doesn't know where to run xD jkjk) and then the passing out feeling of throwing berets and everything :') 

Dinner just flew past and thank you Standard 3s for the pretty cake (: I never would have expected that one day I'd be able to eat my own face on a cake AHAHAHAHA. But I was kinda sad that the piece of cake that I shared with Lau had the picture of the canteen wall DD: Ugh. I got a polaroid with Keane I got a polaroid with Keane I got a polaroid with Keane I got a polaroid with Keane I think I can repeat this one million times because this has been my wish for A WHOLE YEAR and yay I got a polaroid with Keane :DDD And then squad polaroid! Hahaha, I wonder if all our faces could fit into the small frame (x 

And then social night ahaha, I don't know what to say hahaha. Anyway, AA's speech was really good, I know you guys probably couldn't hear what they said but it was really good (I have half of their script hahahaha). I think the kind of relationship they have with their mentors is one that NA and our mentors will never understand, especially because we take the good and smooth-sailing relationship for granted, definitely. It seems that by default, we trust our mentors to take us through the times of being a CTC member. And good job, AA. (: I think you really impressed us with your sentimental speech because we thought you guys had no feelings (x All respect to you. And for the ambulances, I don't know what you guys were trying to show through your performance but I think it's enough for us 'cause it was really really really impressive xDD

SMC session with the Standard Twos. I wonder why we only have so little time. There wasn't much to say, but the things we could have said were very limited *coughs* Anyway, thank you Standard Twos for everything (: I read your little book of notes and everything THRICE and I think it really feels good to know that we instructors left a lasting impression (: I think I'm not good with words so pardon me for my awkward speech hurhurhur (x Instructors come and go, but cadets don't necessarily come and go. I've only had the standard twos and I'm thankful for each and everyone of you (: Thank you all for your notes as well (: Please know that whatever you guys have done, whether good or bad, we are still proud of you (: Whether I sign on or not, I still want to see you guys growing and doing things to the best of your abilities because I know how much all of you are capable of (: We've seen it and I hope the world sees it too :D Thank you for all the good things you guys have written on the book, whether they are personal or non-personal things, they made me feel good about myself and that's really something that very few people can do (: So I want to thank you guys for it (: And by the way kids, to stalk in our context is to visit people's blog/twitter/tumblr/facebook etc etc etc frequently and not to let anyone know that they're stalking them but you kids just announced it all over my book "I stalk your blog" and "I stalk your blog too" and "I read your tweets" and "I read your tweets too" ahahahaha. Anyway, I didn't have much to say to them because I feel that what I could've said were already said every training so...goodbye kids (: Until we meet again in SJ context hopefully, please take care of yourselves especially those who are always unwell and falling out and fainting ): 

Morning SMC session went well ((: And I GOT A SMC2 POLAROID AHAHAHAHA, all the good polaroids (: I just need a NA polaroid to complete my life :3 I would like a squad one too but I really can't find the patience to take 30 of them xDD Anyway it was good and thank you SMC 4 I don't know what to say to you guys because it's easier to say goodbye to your cadets and stuff but for people who have seen the ups and down of your ENTIRE journey, I think these words aren't things that can be expressed in cards and words and stuff. So please excuse my crappy notes on your very pretty boards :') 

And then house session haha, I think house sessions are becoming more and more lacking in feelings hahaha, maybe it's because the times we spend as a house officially aren't that many so yepp D: Isn't that sad ): New training department please value my feedback tyvm hahaha (x In any case, I'm very very very proud to be in Dactyl, right from being a standard one to passing out and leaving you guys behind (: Aside from normal trainings, it is with your house that you find your other family (: So yep, good bye family (: We may not be the best house or the most enthusiastic house, but I appreciate all your contributions to Dactyl, be it tangible or intangible and thank you very much for all the memories you've given me to take away (: AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE GOING TO CRY PLEASE DON'T, it's too awkward ((x

Lastly, a big big big farewell to our squad (: To be honest, the reason why I cried wasn't because you guys were leaving or anything, oh please, it's not like we won't see each other again. In fact, I'm pretty confident to say that even when this emotions pass, we will still be there for each other to a certain extent I guess (: Okay, back to my point, I think it's the lingering feelings I had for you guys, like how I would never get to work with you guys anymore, to the point where personal feelings get tied in and everything (: I really really really appreciate your understanding and everything, especially because I know that I'm not the best to lead you guys because I was pretty clueless as to where we were heading. Forgive me for all the wrong things I did and all the pits and valleys I got you guys into. Anyway and anyhow, this journey has been one that is simply breathtaking. It's not one that everyone would experience. To always be at the bottom of everyone's list, until we pass out, but knowing that to us, we're enough. You guys will always be enough for me. It's bittersweet to finally get to leave all these behind, especially since our relationship never got back on track. But what's broken is broken and I think I see the perfection within imperfections. Even when we're not squadmates, we are friends and I think that adds so much more value to our friendship (: It's not the ending, it's just the beginning to another phase of our lives ((: 

(I want to dedicate a lot of stuff to people but I shall leave them out because they need to go in cards hehe)

I don't feel particularly sad, but I think nostalgia is definitely going to be at the top of my feelings list. It's like suffering from withdrawal symptoms hahahahaha. It's definitely going to be hard to get used to the fact that the thing that we've been slogging our guts out for for almost 4 years has been taken away from us and never to return. But I guess that's just life: everything changes and there's almost no more constant or forever or unchangeable left in this world (: 

Nat comp, and now this. It's all too fast.

Alright, that's all (: I'm glad I updated (: That's what a blog is for (: TIME TO START ON MY SQUAD'S CARDS BECAUSE ALL THE FEELS.

And here's the end (:

xoxo,

meeeeeeeeeeeee

"Here comes the pain, here comes me wishing things had never changed..."

I think this is when reality hits me (finally) that POP is over. It's not even the end, it's like after-effects of the end. Do I make sense? :/ 

Anyway, POP was really great (: I think it's different to be at the receiving end of stuff for once, especially since being an instructor means giving and everything. Well, we do receive, but not in tangible sense I guess (: I think I was really worried about parade because we only had ONE official practice, and my skirt was really crumpled (sucks to not have a uniform cover TT^TT) hahahaha but during the actual parade it went fine, other than the one time that the MCs didn't wait for me to change the squad back into three rank squad ): WHYYYY haha, made me panic so badly D: 

I think I didn't feel so much during march pass because I didn't look at my SMC officers' faces. Mostly because I know that if I did, I would cry. Now I kind of regret because I'm sure that if I did, I would feel much more than I did. How's this for another life regret? (there're already so many) And then the running out of parade and being led by Pengfei (which was a bad choice because this guy doesn't know where to run xD jkjk) and then the passing out feeling of throwing berets and everything :') 

Dinner just flew past and thank you Standard 3s for the pretty cake (: I never would have expected that one day I'd be able to eat my own face on a cake AHAHAHAHA. But I was kinda sad that the piece of cake that I shared with Lau had the picture of the canteen wall DD: Ugh. I got a polaroid with Keane I got a polaroid with Keane I got a polaroid with Keane I got a polaroid with Keane I think I can repeat this one million times because this has been my wish for A WHOLE YEAR and yay I got a polaroid with Keane :DDD And then squad polaroid! Hahaha, I wonder if all our faces could fit into the small frame (x 

And then social night ahaha, I don't know what to say hahaha. Anyway, AA's speech was really good, I know you guys probably couldn't hear what they said but it was really good (I have half of their script hahahaha). I think the kind of relationship they have with their mentors is one that NA and our mentors will never understand, especially because we take the good and smooth-sailing relationship for granted, definitely. It seems that by default, we trust our mentors to take us through the times of being a CTC member. And good job, AA. (: I think you really impressed us with your sentimental speech because we thought you guys had no feelings (x All respect to you. And for the ambulances, I don't know what you guys were trying to show through your performance but I think it's enough for us 'cause it was really really really impressive xDD

SMC session with the Standard Twos. I wonder why we only have so little time. There wasn't much to say, but the things we could have said were very limited *coughs* Anyway, thank you Standard Twos for everything (: I read your little book of notes and everything THRICE and I think it really feels good to know that we instructors left a lasting impression (: I think I'm not good with words so pardon me for my awkward speech hurhurhur (x Instructors come and go, but cadets don't necessarily come and go. I've only had the standard twos and I'm thankful for each and everyone of you (: Thank you all for your notes as well (: Please know that whatever you guys have done, whether good or bad, we are still proud of you (: Whether I sign on or not, I still want to see you guys growing and doing things to the best of your abilities because I know how much all of you are capable of (: We've seen it and I hope the world sees it too :D Thank you for all the good things you guys have written on the book, whether they are personal or non-personal things, they made me feel good about myself and that's really something that very few people can do (: So I want to thank you guys for it (: And by the way kids, to stalk in our context is to visit people's blog/twitter/tumblr/facebook etc etc etc frequently and not to let anyone know that they're stalking them but you kids just announced it all over my book "I stalk your blog" and "I stalk your blog too" and "I read your tweets" and "I read your tweets too" ahahahaha. Anyway, I didn't have much to say to them because I feel that what I could've said were already said every training so...goodbye kids (: Until we meet again in SJ context hopefully, please take care of yourselves especially those who are always unwell and falling out and fainting ): 

Morning SMC session went well ((: And I GOT A SMC2 POLAROID AHAHAHAHA, all the good polaroids (: I just need a NA polaroid to complete my life :3 I would like a squad one too but I really can't find the patience to take 30 of them xDD Anyway it was good and thank you SMC 4 I don't know what to say to you guys because it's easier to say goodbye to your cadets and stuff but for people who have seen the ups and down of your ENTIRE journey, I think these words aren't things that can be expressed in cards and words and stuff. So please excuse my crappy notes on your very pretty boards :') 

And then house session haha, I think house sessions are becoming more and more lacking in feelings hahaha, maybe it's because the times we spend as a house officially aren't that many so yepp D: Isn't that sad ): New training department please value my feedback tyvm hahaha (x In any case, I'm very very very proud to be in Dactyl, right from being a standard one to passing out and leaving you guys behind (: Aside from normal trainings, it is with your house that you find your other family (: So yep, good bye family (: We may not be the best house or the most enthusiastic house, but I appreciate all your contributions to Dactyl, be it tangible or intangible and thank you very much for all the memories you've given me to take away (: AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE GOING TO CRY PLEASE DON'T, it's too awkward ((x

Lastly, a big big big farewell to our squad (: To be honest, the reason why I cried wasn't because you guys were leaving or anything, oh please, it's not like we won't see each other again. In fact, I'm pretty confident to say that even when this emotions pass, we will still be there for each other to a certain extent I guess (: Okay, back to my point, I think it's the lingering feelings I had for you guys, like how I would never get to work with you guys anymore, to the point where personal feelings get tied in and everything (: I really really really appreciate your understanding and everything, especially because I know that I'm not the best to lead you guys because I was pretty clueless as to where we were heading. Forgive me for all the wrong things I did and all the pits and valleys I got you guys into. Anyway and anyhow, this journey has been one that is simply breathtaking. It's not one that everyone would experience. To always be at the bottom of everyone's list, until we pass out, but knowing that to us, we're enough. You guys will always be enough for me. It's bittersweet to finally get to leave all these behind, especially since our relationship never got back on track. But what's broken is broken and I think I see the perfection within imperfections. Even when we're not squadmates, we are friends and I think that adds so much more value to our friendship (: It's not the ending, it's just the beginning to another phase of our lives ((: 

(I want to dedicate a lot of stuff to people but I shall leave them out because they need to go in cards hehe)

I don't feel particularly sad, but I think nostalgia is definitely going to be at the top of my feelings list. It's like suffering from withdrawal symptoms hahahahaha. It's definitely going to be hard to get used to the fact that the thing that we've been slogging our guts out for for almost 4 years has been taken away from us and never to return. But I guess that's just life: everything changes and there's almost no more constant or forever or unchangeable left in this world (: 

Nat comp, and now this. It's all too fast.

Alright, that's all (: I'm glad I updated (: That's what a blog is for (: TIME TO START ON MY SQUAD'S CARDS BECAUSE ALL THE FEELS.

And here's the end (:

xoxo,

meeeeeeeeeeeee