"It's a carousel my friend..."
We build barriers against things we don't like or things that we fear because we want them to keep a distance away from us, because we know the feelings of it isn't something we like. A simple analogy would be why I don't like math. I don't like math because back when I was a kid, I had to stay up every night because my dad wanted to go through math with me. It wasn't pleasant. Mostly it'd just end up with me going to bed crying because he would scold me every time I dozed off or when I got the answer wrong. And then as time went by, I started pretending to be sleeping before he got back home just so I didn't have to do math with him. But I seldom got away scot-free. And then there were the assessment papers. Every morning before I went to school, there would be assessment papers waiting to be collected. I thought of ways to avoid them, lying that I forgot about them, "accidentally" leaving them in school, throwing them away but somehow there was always more. I started hating math not because it was difficult but because things related to it were things I didn't like. And then of course I lost interest, and everything just went downhill. Nowadays I don't even approach my dad when I don't understand anything because I don't want history to repeat itself. He's not s bad teacher, I just didn't like it that way.
Fast forward to life now, I think we create barriers against almost anything in fears that something will happen. I don't know what kind of barriers I have but I'm aware I do have some. Some things just happened which made me realise I don't want it to happen to me again, so I avoid things at all costs. But some things, I just tell myself that it cannot and it will not happen to me.
I'm very confused right now. Some days I don't even know what I'm feeling. There's just this emptiness I cannot explain.
"You put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey. I stood there loving you and wished them all away."
