I'm sorry if this post is going to sound totally senseless but I'm typing this in the wrong state of mind and I just needed to get it out but I couldn't tell anyone because everyone's got their own problems and I can't keep dumping my problems on people so I decided to tell the world, which would be right here on my blog. I really don't care if any Tom, Dick or Harry reads this because like I said, we shouldn't regret anything we say because at some point in our lives it was what we wanted everyone to know.


So today my parents asked me why I'm spending so much time on St John again, like every other day, especially since there's a CS tomorrow and on Sunday and my mum asked me if I can stop being so enthusiastic in St John. At that moment I really felt like throwing something (not at her) because why can't people understand that I have NO CHOICE. If there were sufficient people going, do you think I have to sign up for this thing? A big fat NO. And do you think I really find joy in signing up for CS, staying at the fucking creepy NHQ, waking up at 4AM just to provide service for mankind whatsoever? NO. Who wouldn't want to be slacking at home, doing whatever they want? And then they start telling me that I should give chances to people instead of always signing up for some shit. And then again I felt like laughing (not at them) because HELL, IF PEOPLE WANTED TO GO, BE MY GUEST. I even considered begging people to take my place or something but hey, as if anyone would agree. Seriously. I told them that I would gladly let people do so but people wouldn't. Then guess what happened?


So it became my fault that I don't understand people. What bullshit. "Your friends place their family as priority! They want to spend time with their family that's why they don't sign up for such shit." PLEASE. Like you guys aren't my priority either? No matter how many times I say I hate you, or no matter how many times we end up quarreling, you guys are still my family and you guys are all I've got. Irreplaceable y'know. As if I wouldn't want to spend time with you guys, maybe even go on an overseas trip. But what. The reason why we couldn't go overseas is because of me? My fault? Really? I already told you long ago that I have a camp. And I can't miss it. And then hospital attachment, which I've signed up for and you guys even encouraged me to go. But when I can't make it for trips it becomes MY FAULT because I chose my CCA over you guys. Seriously. What crap is this. Why can't you guys just understand that I really have to be present during these events and I can't skip them.


Priorities. Really. I feel so damn fucking misunderstood. So my friends deserve to go on trips with their family, do whatever they want, not turning up for things and I'm left alone here, cleaning up shit and stuff, shield people from things JUST SO THEY CAN SPEND TIME WITH THEIR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. Then what about me. Who's going to think about me. Who's going to remember that I need alone time too and lastly, who's going to care. People ask me why I always get my priorities wrong but I don't remember them being concerned over why I have so many priorities. I'm just a kid. I want to go back to be a kid at least. If people would just stop having so many expectations of me, maybe the job of choosing the right priority would be easier.


So my dad asked me minutes ago if I'm happy with what I'm doing now, currently, in my life and honestly speaking, YES. I rant, I call things stupid, I say things suck and stuff but if I'm honest, I'm satisfied. I really don't crave for more and I've stopped wishing for life to get better and shit because I'm okay with things now. I'm okay doing things for people and having some time to myself everyday and I'm probably even enjoying it. But it exceeds my limit when all I get is people "repaying" me with things I don't deserve, things that are shit, people misunderstanding me and when everything gets too much to handle.

Sometimes I feel like doing stupid things to myself to try to express all this stress and hurt and whatever fucking emotions I'm feeling now because I can't find the right person, right words, right way to channel everything. I can't cry everyday because it's so weak. I can't tell anyone. I can't do anything and sometimes in a moment of anger and frustration I do stupid things and I really need to stop thinking about such stupid things because I know I will regret them someday.


I don't know, I'm so tired.


Every day I deal with things like this and not to forget, my forever present inner turmoil. Welcome to my life.

I'm sorry if this post is going to sound totally senseless but I'm typing this in the wrong state of mind and I just needed to get it out but I couldn't tell anyone because everyone's got their own problems and I can't keep dumping my problems on people so I decided to tell the world, which would be right here on my blog. I really don't care if any Tom, Dick or Harry reads this because like I said, we shouldn't regret anything we say because at some point in our lives it was what we wanted everyone to know.


So today my parents asked me why I'm spending so much time on St John again, like every other day, especially since there's a CS tomorrow and on Sunday and my mum asked me if I can stop being so enthusiastic in St John. At that moment I really felt like throwing something (not at her) because why can't people understand that I have NO CHOICE. If there were sufficient people going, do you think I have to sign up for this thing? A big fat NO. And do you think I really find joy in signing up for CS, staying at the fucking creepy NHQ, waking up at 4AM just to provide service for mankind whatsoever? NO. Who wouldn't want to be slacking at home, doing whatever they want? And then they start telling me that I should give chances to people instead of always signing up for some shit. And then again I felt like laughing (not at them) because HELL, IF PEOPLE WANTED TO GO, BE MY GUEST. I even considered begging people to take my place or something but hey, as if anyone would agree. Seriously. I told them that I would gladly let people do so but people wouldn't. Then guess what happened?


So it became my fault that I don't understand people. What bullshit. "Your friends place their family as priority! They want to spend time with their family that's why they don't sign up for such shit." PLEASE. Like you guys aren't my priority either? No matter how many times I say I hate you, or no matter how many times we end up quarreling, you guys are still my family and you guys are all I've got. Irreplaceable y'know. As if I wouldn't want to spend time with you guys, maybe even go on an overseas trip. But what. The reason why we couldn't go overseas is because of me? My fault? Really? I already told you long ago that I have a camp. And I can't miss it. And then hospital attachment, which I've signed up for and you guys even encouraged me to go. But when I can't make it for trips it becomes MY FAULT because I chose my CCA over you guys. Seriously. What crap is this. Why can't you guys just understand that I really have to be present during these events and I can't skip them.


Priorities. Really. I feel so damn fucking misunderstood. So my friends deserve to go on trips with their family, do whatever they want, not turning up for things and I'm left alone here, cleaning up shit and stuff, shield people from things JUST SO THEY CAN SPEND TIME WITH THEIR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. Then what about me. Who's going to think about me. Who's going to remember that I need alone time too and lastly, who's going to care. People ask me why I always get my priorities wrong but I don't remember them being concerned over why I have so many priorities. I'm just a kid. I want to go back to be a kid at least. If people would just stop having so many expectations of me, maybe the job of choosing the right priority would be easier.


So my dad asked me minutes ago if I'm happy with what I'm doing now, currently, in my life and honestly speaking, YES. I rant, I call things stupid, I say things suck and stuff but if I'm honest, I'm satisfied. I really don't crave for more and I've stopped wishing for life to get better and shit because I'm okay with things now. I'm okay doing things for people and having some time to myself everyday and I'm probably even enjoying it. But it exceeds my limit when all I get is people "repaying" me with things I don't deserve, things that are shit, people misunderstanding me and when everything gets too much to handle.

Sometimes I feel like doing stupid things to myself to try to express all this stress and hurt and whatever fucking emotions I'm feeling now because I can't find the right person, right words, right way to channel everything. I can't cry everyday because it's so weak. I can't tell anyone. I can't do anything and sometimes in a moment of anger and frustration I do stupid things and I really need to stop thinking about such stupid things because I know I will regret them someday.


I don't know, I'm so tired.


Every day I deal with things like this and not to forget, my forever present inner turmoil. Welcome to my life.

Name: Cheryl
Location: Up in the sky.
DOB: 03/09

No one to stalk ;)

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