Let's get drunk and tell each other everything we're too afraid to say sober.
Monday, September 30, 201312:37 AM
"I poured out my heart to you..."
Not sure why I'm doing this when I've got lots of work to do and stuff but I guess I just thought about some things and then I decided the best way to talk about them would be here (: So I was talking to Peiqi (LOL) and then she mentioned about her room and a lot of lame stuff which I shall not repeat here (x And then I just thought about how we were talking about going to each other's house during Nat Comp and how until now, we haven't been to Peiqi's house xD
I guess we always focus on the results and all the emotions that come after that, that we often forgot about the long way we came and the entire process. I guess I've almost forgotten about them if it were not for how things haven't changed much even though we've all stopped training and all.
The last few weeks of preparations for Nat was probably the most insane. There was this one training where we got so badly niao-ed at by our mentors that after we were dismissed, we sat outside the bookstore on the floor (still in boots) to plan out our goals and objectives for all our subsequent trainings. I guess we only work well when we hit rock bottom and suddenly we displayed this sense of maturity of planning for our future and not just entrusting everything to our mentors (though we trust all of you a lot :'D). And I'm going to say this (don't blame me guys) but because we realised we didn't have enough time, we decided to create time/buy some time. So during the June holidays, we had illegal trainings. And I'm just making it sound bad because of the word "illegal" but aww, it wasn't that bad okay.
Being without mentors and only with our number five to guide us along was probably one of the scariest thing I felt happened. It's like, not knowing if you're getting it right because your number five only has one pair of eyes and she can't keep a look-out for four other people (and Pengfei, who's just monkeying around). But I guess that's when we were really honest with ourselves, no covering up, because what good would it do? And we had a lot of fun ((((: At my house and at Charlotte's (: And then there was the one time where everyone minus Lau, even Pengfei, turned up in black shirts and I had to cook maggie mee for them xD And we took a photo together (: They were all just really great memories and we were productive :D
School trainings had their ups and downs, especially when we were making improvements for home nursing (which we love/hate) and then our footdrill and first-aid were becoming worrying. There were times when it would turn out very very very good, and times when we would just suck and it was all like some big nightmare because we constantly reminded ourselves about the lack of time ): Not fun at all ):
There were the random discussions that we had, when we would sit outside the classroom waiting for case to start, and we'd have heated discussions about the truth of 11:11 and why they work or don't work. Or looking across the building at pretty angmoh girls from other schools during the Literature festival. Or singing the remix of the hail song and then making all our mentors sing together. I guess these were the little things that we did when we were tired to make us go on and on and on and on, and I'm glad we did.
What's war without fatality and battle scars? We had our fair share of scares and injuries. First there was me who pulled some muscle in my arm when I was reaching for Champs who was on the floor and then I just had to spam salonpas spray (yes they come in spray form now) and it was all so scary. And then there was the random back injury because I guess it was bad sleeping positions and then Peiqi with her over-stretched leg muscles because ahem she ahem tried ahem to jump on-board a bus (?!?!?!?!) ahem until now I still don't get how that was possible but okaaaaaaaaay ;) And in the early morning of Nat Comp, our dear steward who shall not be named for privacy reasons was unwell and couldn't be our steward and Ma'am Diane said that if we didn't have a steward, we might be disqualified. Thinking about it now, if we were disqualified................................... ;) But okay, in the end we managed to get someone who hasn't left the house (PHEW) and yupppp. During the competition I thank God for the power of long lasting salonpas which managed to get me through the entire day, because when I peeled it off, it was burning hot and my back just nua-ed away instantly TT^TT Throughout the day I wasn't feeling too good either and I was so afraid I would die during footdrill because the whole world seemed floaty then. (Then there was Ms Prawn who fell down and destroyed her trophy but that's another story :D ily prawn)
After first-aid, we were certain we'd screwed up because it was nothing we've ever done and we just sat there in the kind of silence that was so..."thick"? There and then I was really afraid I'd lose my team to the sea of self-doubt and fear that we've never felt so badly before. Before the competition, Geena told us that Marilyn once said that the scariest part is if we could get through Zone or not, and then during Nat itself, it's less pressurizing and everything. It was like that, until we hit the realisation that we were sitting in the midst of a national competition and it wasn't about if we could get pass anything because the only thing we wanted and were fighting for were ourselves. It took a while and quite a lot to finally gather our nerves and stuff because the amount of desire to get at least top three was suffocating. And I don't know, I just thought my entire team wasn't up for getting awards after that. We were just...worried and dying, literally.
I'm not sure how you guys are coping now because I don't have time (regretfully) to ask about you guys but no matter what happens I promise to be here. I'm sorry that I'm such a difficult person to understand, that there are times when I just flare up and shut you guys out and refuse to reveal anything and literally turn into the biggest ass on Earth; and I'm sorry for that. There are times when I feel that I really don't deserve good people like you guys but okay, now I know that even if you guys disown me I'll still turn up at your doorsteps and sleep under your bed or something. You're the kind of friends I never imagined having and no matter what life gives in the future, I hope you guys stay forever.
Some things, no matter how painful and difficult, they're so precious because they still hold the greatest beauty.
xoxo,
me
You've built your wall so high, that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try.
Sunday, September 29, 201312:44 AM
"And I'm in love with being queen..."
きっといかは消えてしまうの？
I haven't exactly touched the keyboard of a laptop for ages. It's actually been one week but it feels like much longer. So guess who haven't checked her mail for one week and never opened Ms Soh's emails and then currently is in shock because THERE ARE TONS OF READINGS TT^TT Ugh.
This time period of going to school is probably rated the highest in "waste of time" ): Other than going through corrections and past year papers (NOT VERY OFTEN), there's still homework (?) and there are still lessons like CME and BP and stuff. Not saying they're not important but they're less important if I were to give them a ranking. Say, you take away all these lessons and shorten unnecessary stuff, we'd technically get to go home at least an hour or more earlier. Sighpie. Uneventful week I guess ): Just packed with spamming revision papers and rushing off to different places ==
Studied with Jaslyn on Friday and I guess I can start making a list of the different kinds of people I study with 8) It's like, I should create a who-to-jio application and then there's a short description below their names or something lololol just kidding I'm a lonely person (x I think she's more of the you're-on-your-own-gurl and then unless you need to ask her something, she'd be curled up in her chair with music blasting and practically absorbed in her own world. But all in all it was alright I guess :D Still haven't found a perfect buddy and I'm losing hope but we've got to make the best and most out of every opportunity we have since eoys are nearing righttttt ((: And then I guess I made more new discoveries about myself and studying on Friday:
1. I cannot listen to music while studying for nuts. Not even classical music or pumped up music or anything that can save my life. But I work fine with background noise like glasses clinking, people chatting, coffee machines doing their magic etc etc etc
2. My pituitary gland is malfunctioning (I think). I used to frequent the toilet at least three times in one sitting even if I'm just taking one cup of coffee but now I think I don't feel anything much. (Am I getting my Bio right)
3. I spend a lot of time making sure my notes are pretty. I don't know why. Time to join the superficial club and develop a cursive loopy pink gel handwriting.
4. Someone needs to lock my phone and throw away the keys.
I think today is feel-good-saturday because I was looking for this particular blouse that I thought was in the wash but taadaa it was lying nicely in my wardrobe (: Which reminds me that my wardrobe's in a mess, like I just crawled in and did some crazy dancing inside ): But nevertheless I was happy about my blouse and I declared it my favourite blouse for now hehehe * U * After visiting my dear piano teacher who's leaving (DDD:), went to study again. It's becoming my Saturday ritual omg hahahaha. And I realised that Coffee Bean's coffee is not bad afterall and I saw a really really really really really pretty person today and I guess I was just sitting there and just feeling not bad 8))) Then movie with family (not going to mention the show other than the fact that it was.....not too good) and then supper and home sweet home (:
Read this: http://sg.entertainment.yahoo.com/blogs/parenting/parents-pay-forward-pumpkin-spice-lattes-221300973.html
I have too many memories stuck in me and it's been quite some time but some part of me just refuses to let me put them down because I just wish I could turn back time, and go through everything again. Doesn't matter if they were good things or bad things or happy things or painful things, I want them all back and I need them so bad.
I'd take you back in a heartbeat.
I want to watch 500 days of summer TT^TT Ugh. I've been waiting for so so so long.
Waking up with the same few problems with no solutions no matter how hard I search for them. Every day the same things run through my mind only to remind me of their presence and how they're going to be there for a long period of time.
On a happier note, FIFTH OCTOBER IS COMING GUISE and you know what that means ;)))))))))))
xoxo,
me (:
If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.
Saturday, September 21, 201311:38 PM
"What you must understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person.”
No mood to strike off more things on my to-do list. Maybe I'm just really really really tired D: Ugh.
Went to Buona Vista today hahaha, to check out the Starbucks at Rochester Mall (: Took the long way because Google Maps scammed me but it's okay, I forgive you you inanimate crap. I think that area's super hidden, like you see the mall and all but no, it's hidden near some hotel (?) and behind lots of trees. And it's this white little house looking place hahaha. It's nice to be alone for a while, since our lives tend to be revolved around people. I guess it was pretty productive today but it would have been more productive if I didn't bring a book out because towards the end I was just kind of "screw studying, I'm going to finish this coffee and the book" and so yep. Finished the book there though I just got it yesterday, but I guess that's the downside to buying me books: they only last for two days max.
I think Looking For Alaska is another book that you read and then it hits you in your face/heart/brain and then you never feel the same again. It's been approximately seven hours since I finished the book but I still feel a little...... Being a spoiler as always, I guess it's really different from tfios because I guess it's more morbid, I don't know. Like it's just...dark? It gets funny but even so, it's dark comedy. And the kind of feeling it gives you is the kind where you see through all their laughter and smiles because deep down, you know as well as the character that they're just feeling so fucked up. And I get it. And I'm affected by it.
“Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times. Once, you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. Once you must fall in love with someone you believe is perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as anything less than you deserve. And once, you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. And when you’re through will all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that needed you the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved."
-unknown
What else do you guys want to know about my day?
Isn't it funny how I am taking so long to get over something that didn't happen at all?
I wonder what it takes to be enough. To be a good enough friend, a good enough student, a good enough daughter, a good enough sister, a good enough person in general. Because every single time I really try with all my might I still don't pass the mark and I have no idea how to.
Alright, y'know, I'm a boring person. Nothing much to say because my life is pretty (very) uneventful. Good luck everyone, we're all gonna need it.
xoxo,
me
I had this book when I was younger and I found this on someone's tumblr just a few minutes ago and now I feel like crying because I just want to be a kid again.
"I know I'm annoying. I know I'm dumb and clingy, I'm a fucking handful. I'm sorry. I miss you. And I wish you'd stay."
Wednesday, September 18, 201311:17 PM
"Sometimes love isn't enough..."
I'm just proof-reading my literature portfolio and I think it's quite stupid that I'm doing the proof reading because like every sane person, we all tend to get a little protective over our work and we give ourselves bungalows of allowance so... But I really don't wish to get someone to do it because it's either people: 1) say it's good either because it's really good (nah.) or because they feel obliged to do so (90% of people will never tell someone something of theirs sucks because we're all feeling nice suddenly) or 2) criticize it and then make me upset (and then I'd probably turn that episode into another poem which isn't very lovely). Anyway, I really don't want to hand this up though. It's like, sharing my thoughts with others which I'm not very keen on and plus, it's supposed to be "good" and "beautiful" and "lit-ish" but I don't think it is okay. Not sure why we're being graded on how much we feel for certain stuff and if it's enough to turn it into a literature work ):
I've been feeling pretty frustrated recently because of all the things due and upcoming EOYs and stuff TT^TT I'm really afraid of what's to come. It's like, sometimes I don't study and I fail, and I don't feel much because it's my fault that I didn't put in any effort. Then sometimes I really want to do well for something so I study really hard for a test but in the end I still fail. I know it isn't right to give up now and things like that, and I'm not going to, but I just have to say that it's demoralizing all the same.
Over-thinking kills.
I want a great getaway but with the right people at the right time. I found the right time but I haven't got the right people. So many things I want to see, so many things I want to experience, so many places I want to get lost in. But I haven't got a clue how I'm going to do that and everything. Don't you think it'd be really wonderful if you could just get off at somewhere and then go wherever a train takes you?
Today was a good day (: We had PE today and it rained again, just like last week ): So we were stuck in the table tennis room again and as you all know, I suck at all kinds of sports so... Anyway, now the table tennis rooms have air-cons installed so you never have to perspire a lot when you play table tennis 8) Hahahaha. And because of that, I managed to stay awake during Chemistry in the Math Sphere :D #achievementunlocked And I was quite pleased with myself that I could understand macromolecules~
After that I went home with Jaslyn, Natasha and Felicia via circle line, which isn't my usual mode of transport home. And at the station we met Enyou, Beatrice, Kester, Celine and Clara 8) Hahahaha it was like a really mini 4D outing and so we talked and stuff (: They were so amused by my house and they didn't know what apartments look like xD And it was the first time I had so many people going towards Serangoon (: It was nice having company and all, especially since they were all really nice people and I kind of feel sad that this is our last year together, especially since I've known a few of them better only this year ): Ugh.
I really wish I knew what's running through your mind every single time you do something like that. Don't you know it hurts? Don't you know you're too perfect and it's hurting to look at you?
Alright, I shall begin studying soon (: I'm glad that I'm going to study with Jaslyn and Natasha soon hahaha (wah get to study with pretty girl on instagram wor, jealous anyone) so yepyep.
xoxo,
me
Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.
Sunday, September 15, 20136:56 PM
"Loneliness is black coffee and late-night television; solitude is herb tea and soft music. Solitude, quality solitude, is an assertion of self-worth, because only in the stillness can we hear the truth of our own unique voices."
This is really sweet haha, watch it 'til the end (:
Reality check: it's Sunday so that means tomorrow is Monday, which officially marks the end of the September holidays. Holidays always have this double effect on me: I have too much fun and I don't want it to end; I spend too much time stuck at home that I have this dying urge for school to start. It's crazy, y'know. But I can safely say that I don't want this week to end because I'm not ready to go back to school, start a new term and then face EOYs. Not prepared AT ALL. And also, happy birthday to our dear Kimbum (woohian) (:
Thank God that my parents were more lenient this time and maybe because Dad wasn't back from overseas in the beginning of the week so since everyone's not at home, I guess I shouldn't be too. And also thank God that my sister was entertained with all her choir stuff and my cousin, so I guess there wasn't a need to look after her. Despite the fact that except for two days the rest were spent on studying and mostly running around our dear sunny island, it was a good week I guess. Much more productive than my entire life added together. Cool, isn't it.
>> Saturday: Went to study with Yongli at Hougang hahaha. It's kind of great to have friends that you want to study with who stay around your area and by some miracle, Hougang's pretty much central for us (: So after cleaning the toilet because I was on toilet cleaning duty again, met up with her at 10AM (more or less ;D) at Starbucks and then off to study hahahahaha. I finally understand how it feels like to sit at a place from 10AM to 6PM and go through two venti sized drinks and running to the toilet because of all the lovely diuretic hormones and wishing that coffee came in larger sizes because one cup ain't enough. But all in all it was okay I guess. As compared to other days the productivity level was a 50% but hahahahaha, it's just me okay. And yesterday was NA Nat Champs second monthsary! (/ /U/ /) Hahahahaha, I think we're just going to keep celebrating this until the whole world forgets about us or we somehow forget about ourselves. Pretty lovely day I guess, and thankful for all these people around me.
Had homemade spaghetti for dinner because my mum remembered that I was craving for it and probably because I wouldn't rest until I got my spaghetti and she got annoyed and stuff ;) She doesn't trust me with a kitchen knife because she made me chop carrots and who knew carrots are so thick and irritatingly hard when they're raw D: But I don't know, I probably wouldn't be careless enough to chop off my fingers on accident...right...?
>> Sunday: Church and then lunch and then tuition (: Thank you Rachel and Junhong for the lovely helium balloon~ (and yes, Rachel's card and stickers and lots of girly stuff
And yep, I'd be really devastated and heartbroken when the helium runs out and then the balloon has to sleep on the ground TT^TT PLEASE LAST LONGER DEAR BALLOON ): Happy (very) belated birthday to me then (:
I haven't sorted out this mind and this heart yet. It's still in chaos. I know that if I need something and I want something I should fight for it, but what good is it going to do to me to see the people closest to me feel hurt and end up in despair because of the decisions I make and the paths I take? I'm not sure which one's going to last, or which is worth more than the other because they matter just as much. And I can't even bring myself to brush the problem off because it matters and it's hurting.
When I awoke, I wanted to slap myself that it's been so long yet I still can't get you out of my mind. The fact that you appeared in my dreams again: does it mean you're still living in the deepest part of my memories? I know you've always been there but I didn't know it would be so...vivid. The scariest part wasn't seeing you, but it was following you yet you didn't turn back once. You didn't acknowledge me at all and you just kept moving forward as if you never knew me and you never did stop. And then there must be some parallel between dreams and reality because I saw you again today and this part of me wanted to see if I smiled at you, would you do the same? But no, I didn't have the guts to do so because I've never known it would hurt so much to just look at someone.
xoxo,
me
