Am really worried because I think I left my wallet under the table of a classroom that I used for ELL lessons. I've lost my wallet once and the person who stole it kind of left my ezlink card behind. So kind. But then the thing is it's not even my classroom and I'm not sure if anyone used the classroom after me. AM SO WORRIED I hate losing my things.

Went to shoot for a while during netball since I still can't go back to doing physical activities and I really feel fat and lazy. Came up with an exercise plan with Clara during lessons today but it feels so impossible to achieve it because I am incredibly unfit and I am so accident prone I'd probably kill myself before doing anything. Sigh. But for the sake of keeping fit!!!

And Suhan went to enlist today and I'm feeling incredibly lost. Like I haven't done so many things with you ever since you got back and you're gone already! Am so lost and not sure how to feel and thank God today was an alright day because I don't want to ever have a bad day because then I'd want to tell him about it but I'd have to keep it in until night time. Am so worried too.

But okay, trust that God will bring everyone through everything difficult and tiring. 

I've always thought that I don't need to think about ways to wind down and to cope with my emotions because I always just bathe or sleep things off and I feel better in the morning (sometimes). But then this year made me realise that I have to find other ways somehow because a shower and a bed is not always readily available any time, anywhere. And because life is life and sometimes life can be out to get you, not all methods are reliable and can stay unchanged. It's almost as if it can feel you warming up to it and making it your routine and getting comfy and it goes, oh no Cheryl, let me tweak your life a little so you have to start the cycle of finding another way to relax all over again. *cues evil laughter* I don't know. It just dawned on me that I always get so used to things that I'm doing and I never like change, despite change being the only constant in my life. And today Jessica threatened to delete one of my apps in my phone because I didn't do my mindmap like I promised to and I was just so sure she'd delete Tsumtsum (!?!?!?!?) and it's literally the only game that keeps me sane. Like, I used to cry and play it in bed, all snuggled up. (Even though it can be infuriating as hell) And also because Suhan goes in less than two days and I won't know how to make myself feel better so I need to find some way. It's like I forgot how well I was doing a few months ago and now I'm back to the stage where I find myself again.

School is really crazy. And sometimes I really want to throw bricks at myself or run into a wall because I NEVER LEARN. I always put off work (not to the last minute though!) and then I end up having to rush a lot of work and somehow the work is never-ending. It's like you can't stop to breathe somehow. It's just this cycle that you keep going on and on until end of As and then break for a little while which actually does no justice to all the hard work you'd put in for the year, and then it begins again until you die. Sort of. And the only time I got to sleep in and rest to my heart's content was when I fell sick which was kind of sad. The only time I get to rest is when I overwork my body? Wow, sounds like a robot to me. And it is like that. Wake up, go to school, die in the process, CCA, study, sleep. Repeat.

Anyway, back to managing my emotions. Today I was seriously contemplating if I should just give up and screw A levels and just sit on the floor and observe the flooring until I grow white hair and dissolve into ashes. It's just that it's always very tiring to be overloaded with so much information. It's insane. It's like teachers specialize in their subject and that's why they're good at it. But we take up so many subjects and we're expected to do well for every single one of them? And sometimes it just gets too overwhelming that I want to shut everyone out. So today I was just alternating between trying not to cry and trying not to fall asleep. It was really bad.

Okay, that's really all I wanted to say. I'VE BEEN TOO BUSY TO EVEN WORRY ABOUT OTHER THINGS. And there's a math test tomorrow. 

Somehow, I wish things would never go wrong between us.

Things I've learnt:

1. Spend time with the right people. People who genuinely care about you, and whom you'd want to see them beside you in the next 20 years to come. People who make you feel remembered and important. And learn how to dump those who bring you down.

2. Indulge in things that lift your spirits even for a little while.

3. Being sincere and honest is so important because no one ever does that anymore.

4. Some people deserve second chances.

5. Read lots of books no matter how busy you are.

6. Tell yourself you're good enough but always strive to be better than before.

School has been really crazy. I'm not sure what's making me so tired because I don't remember it being so crazy the same time last year. And I'm ending later and later every day and today is my first early day where I'm finally home before 9pm. I think about all the work I have to do and how every day is packed with things to start on and things to accomplish and I just really want a break. Can we go back to orientation period because I really miss orientation and all the fun we had. 

"There is another world, but it is inside this one." - Paul Eluard 

Getting quite tired about interacting with people recently. Like, sometimes I feel that we're just on different pages and I don't even want to try to understand them or get onto the same page as them because it's just so tiring. And then there are those whom I get tired of, which is more than getting tired of interacting with them.

There are too many unhappy people in the world and I really want to know why.

On a side note, I am incredibly upset that PTP starts this week because I want to curse at something for taking away my weekends because they're so precious to me and no, I don't even want to sacrifice that few hours. I really don't. I just need a break from all this shit and I can't believe this will go on for a year. It's far too long and I don't want to burn out now. I want to do this at my own pace and I don't want people breathing down my neck and telling me I need to improve because who the fuck doesn't know that. 

And Suhan is enlisting in 2 weeks time and we keep talking about how it's going to be alright but I don't think so. 

I want to rant so if you're in a fairly good mood please stop reading here.

Firstly, my books from Book Depository are not here yet and I'm getting impatient.

And then, there's the issue about spending all my time trying to live with the expectations people put upon me. People say that you shouldn't care about what others think about you because you're living for yourself anyway. But what if you live to look at how others want you to be. Then do you instantly get displaced on this Earth because you don't even fit anywhere. And I'm so tired of being the way others want me to be and I really wonder how did it even happen.

What I'm angry is that there are people who forget that I'm human and then I can feel scared and insecure and angry. So I was just wondering if it takes someone to suddenly flare up on leave before they realise that she has some sort of effect on everyone? Seriously. 

And also because my eye lids are drooping and I'm typing nonsense. I can't even do anything.

Definitely having a hangover from orientation and I don't think it's something that will die out in a matter of days. But yes, Zekotoi is finally over and I feel so so so empty now. No more waking up at 5 in the morning and rushing to school by 7 and having meeting in the LT (the LT was practically our home for the entire 2 months journey). And no more cheer battles and practicing our dance with our strawhats. I'm really thankful for the opportunity to be part of something bigger for the school and this sounds so cliche but it was such a great experience and I don't regret it at all. So what if my holidays were burnt and so what if I had to rush all my homework and feel so screwed? It was all worth it to see the enthusiasm ripple through the crowd at the end of orientation and it was so so so nice.

Participating in orientation really means stepping out of your comfort zone. I like the idea of being valued here in the orientation committee, where people really take your opinions into considerations when we do debrief. It's like you can literally see how everyone just wants to deliver the most perfect orientation experience to the Year 5s. And I hate dancing but I had to dance onstage and I'm always so afraid to be alone with people but I had to lead my OG around alone on the first day. And there were so many people I didn't know but I had to work with them to make everything successful. It meant challenging myself to do the things that I never had the courage to do, and I'm glad I did it (: The kind of friendships you forge here really depends on your attitude towards everything I guess. They can remain merely as working partners if you let that happen. But what I'm most thankful for, is that Homa is really a family and even among the few of us as OGLs and the House Comm, we really sit down to talk about the things going through our heads and open up to everyone. I met people whom I'd never imagine meeting. And those late nights where we spent trying to perfect our performance, or just sitting there and eating; I don't think I'll ever forget those times. To the people that I've spent 2 months with, really, I have seen you guys nearly every day during the holidays and I can't believe it. But what really touched me was the dedication that each and everyone of you had towards orientation. It wasn't just about the responsibility and the fact that we had to fulfill our roles, but the passion that burned in your eyes because you wanted your OGs to experience something that will give them the strength and courage to go through the rest of their Senior High life. Something for them to look back on, and something that wouldn't make them regret coming for orientation. And I admire all of you so much. 

I joined as an OGL for a simple fact that I hoped that being busy with something during the holidays would speed up the process of getting over someone and that I wouldn't have time to think about things that would make me go insane. But I was wrong. I still think about things now, and it doesn't really matter that much anymore. Simply because I have happier memories within me and that I've gained so so so much from it. I remember telling a few people when we were waiting for a ride home, that I was so afraid that people won't appreciate all that we've done, and they just think that it's all stupid. And then I realised that you can't please everyone and that no matter what you do, there will always be people who end up not agreeing with you. But the only thing we can do, is to focus on those who are glad that you are there, and think about what more can you do for them. And I guess one good thing about being such an emotional person, is that I really really really wanted to know each and every one in my OG so much better. And even though time didn't allow for it to happen, seeing the smiles on their faces when I walked into their class on the morning of Day 2, I really cannot be more thankful that these are the people who are glad that I was there to see them through orientation. And that these are the people who said thank you to me and hugged me on the last day of orientation. There were things that I wish could turn out differently, and if only I had more time with this bunch of people. But I can only say that since things can never change and time will never rewind, I'm glad that 5C24 welcomed me into their class despite me being a stranger. 

You can never feel too much love or too much warmth but suddenly when the entire circle of Homanites surrounded us with a group hug, I was thinking that the love and warmth radiating from us could probably make this place explode. And to see them follow us to run around the track and have their arms around each other even though they probably didn't know the person next to them and chanting "HOMA HOMA HOMA"; I really really really couldn't imagine this to happen when I first started off as an OGL. And in the canteen when we bowed to thank them, I really couldn't stop the tears from falling because it all ended too quickly and it was too much to take, seeing how they appreciated everything they did for us even though we could have given them so much more. Some people might ask, how is it possible to feel such a strong bond to your class and to your house in such a short period of time. I'm not sure about anyone else, but for me, it's the sincerity that moved me. It's the fact that these people barely know you, but here they are, willing to step out of their own comfort zone; willing to burn their time; just to give you the warmth of a family. And that's what touched me. It's the sincerity. 

On a sidenote, yesterday I found out that one of my primary school mates was pregnant and now she has a child. And even though I don't know her personally, it was still shocking to find out. To think of it, she's the same age as me and while I'm studying my ass off here, she's starting a new journey as a mother. I guess it's a common misconception that we pity these people and we think that what they're doing is a mistake. But yesterday when I was thinking about it, I realised that they are the same as us. And maybe they don't express themselves as well as we do, but they have feelings too and they're aware of them as much as we are. And even though I'm still against the idea of having a child before birth, but I guess some part of me admires her for taking on the role of a mother at such a young age. Perhaps some people just meet the right one earlier in their life. To know how to love someone unconditionally, and in her case it's loving two people unconditionally, is such a difficult concept to grapple with but she got it and soon she'll see more than just herself. And that's so admirable. 

Am really worried because I think I left my wallet under the table of a classroom that I used for ELL lessons. I've lost my wallet once and the person who stole it kind of left my ezlink card behind. So kind. But then the thing is it's not even my classroom and I'm not sure if anyone used the classroom after me. AM SO WORRIED I hate losing my things.

Went to shoot for a while during netball since I still can't go back to doing physical activities and I really feel fat and lazy. Came up with an exercise plan with Clara during lessons today but it feels so impossible to achieve it because I am incredibly unfit and I am so accident prone I'd probably kill myself before doing anything. Sigh. But for the sake of keeping fit!!!

And Suhan went to enlist today and I'm feeling incredibly lost. Like I haven't done so many things with you ever since you got back and you're gone already! Am so lost and not sure how to feel and thank God today was an alright day because I don't want to ever have a bad day because then I'd want to tell him about it but I'd have to keep it in until night time. Am so worried too.

But okay, trust that God will bring everyone through everything difficult and tiring. 

I've always thought that I don't need to think about ways to wind down and to cope with my emotions because I always just bathe or sleep things off and I feel better in the morning (sometimes). But then this year made me realise that I have to find other ways somehow because a shower and a bed is not always readily available any time, anywhere. And because life is life and sometimes life can be out to get you, not all methods are reliable and can stay unchanged. It's almost as if it can feel you warming up to it and making it your routine and getting comfy and it goes, oh no Cheryl, let me tweak your life a little so you have to start the cycle of finding another way to relax all over again. *cues evil laughter* I don't know. It just dawned on me that I always get so used to things that I'm doing and I never like change, despite change being the only constant in my life. And today Jessica threatened to delete one of my apps in my phone because I didn't do my mindmap like I promised to and I was just so sure she'd delete Tsumtsum (!?!?!?!?) and it's literally the only game that keeps me sane. Like, I used to cry and play it in bed, all snuggled up. (Even though it can be infuriating as hell) And also because Suhan goes in less than two days and I won't know how to make myself feel better so I need to find some way. It's like I forgot how well I was doing a few months ago and now I'm back to the stage where I find myself again.

School is really crazy. And sometimes I really want to throw bricks at myself or run into a wall because I NEVER LEARN. I always put off work (not to the last minute though!) and then I end up having to rush a lot of work and somehow the work is never-ending. It's like you can't stop to breathe somehow. It's just this cycle that you keep going on and on until end of As and then break for a little while which actually does no justice to all the hard work you'd put in for the year, and then it begins again until you die. Sort of. And the only time I got to sleep in and rest to my heart's content was when I fell sick which was kind of sad. The only time I get to rest is when I overwork my body? Wow, sounds like a robot to me. And it is like that. Wake up, go to school, die in the process, CCA, study, sleep. Repeat.

Anyway, back to managing my emotions. Today I was seriously contemplating if I should just give up and screw A levels and just sit on the floor and observe the flooring until I grow white hair and dissolve into ashes. It's just that it's always very tiring to be overloaded with so much information. It's insane. It's like teachers specialize in their subject and that's why they're good at it. But we take up so many subjects and we're expected to do well for every single one of them? And sometimes it just gets too overwhelming that I want to shut everyone out. So today I was just alternating between trying not to cry and trying not to fall asleep. It was really bad.

Okay, that's really all I wanted to say. I'VE BEEN TOO BUSY TO EVEN WORRY ABOUT OTHER THINGS. And there's a math test tomorrow. 

Somehow, I wish things would never go wrong between us.

Things I've learnt:

1. Spend time with the right people. People who genuinely care about you, and whom you'd want to see them beside you in the next 20 years to come. People who make you feel remembered and important. And learn how to dump those who bring you down.

2. Indulge in things that lift your spirits even for a little while.

3. Being sincere and honest is so important because no one ever does that anymore.

4. Some people deserve second chances.

5. Read lots of books no matter how busy you are.

6. Tell yourself you're good enough but always strive to be better than before.

School has been really crazy. I'm not sure what's making me so tired because I don't remember it being so crazy the same time last year. And I'm ending later and later every day and today is my first early day where I'm finally home before 9pm. I think about all the work I have to do and how every day is packed with things to start on and things to accomplish and I just really want a break. Can we go back to orientation period because I really miss orientation and all the fun we had. 

"There is another world, but it is inside this one." - Paul Eluard 

Getting quite tired about interacting with people recently. Like, sometimes I feel that we're just on different pages and I don't even want to try to understand them or get onto the same page as them because it's just so tiring. And then there are those whom I get tired of, which is more than getting tired of interacting with them.

There are too many unhappy people in the world and I really want to know why.

On a side note, I am incredibly upset that PTP starts this week because I want to curse at something for taking away my weekends because they're so precious to me and no, I don't even want to sacrifice that few hours. I really don't. I just need a break from all this shit and I can't believe this will go on for a year. It's far too long and I don't want to burn out now. I want to do this at my own pace and I don't want people breathing down my neck and telling me I need to improve because who the fuck doesn't know that. 

And Suhan is enlisting in 2 weeks time and we keep talking about how it's going to be alright but I don't think so. 

I want to rant so if you're in a fairly good mood please stop reading here.

Firstly, my books from Book Depository are not here yet and I'm getting impatient.

And then, there's the issue about spending all my time trying to live with the expectations people put upon me. People say that you shouldn't care about what others think about you because you're living for yourself anyway. But what if you live to look at how others want you to be. Then do you instantly get displaced on this Earth because you don't even fit anywhere. And I'm so tired of being the way others want me to be and I really wonder how did it even happen.

What I'm angry is that there are people who forget that I'm human and then I can feel scared and insecure and angry. So I was just wondering if it takes someone to suddenly flare up on leave before they realise that she has some sort of effect on everyone? Seriously. 

And also because my eye lids are drooping and I'm typing nonsense. I can't even do anything.

Definitely having a hangover from orientation and I don't think it's something that will die out in a matter of days. But yes, Zekotoi is finally over and I feel so so so empty now. No more waking up at 5 in the morning and rushing to school by 7 and having meeting in the LT (the LT was practically our home for the entire 2 months journey). And no more cheer battles and practicing our dance with our strawhats. I'm really thankful for the opportunity to be part of something bigger for the school and this sounds so cliche but it was such a great experience and I don't regret it at all. So what if my holidays were burnt and so what if I had to rush all my homework and feel so screwed? It was all worth it to see the enthusiasm ripple through the crowd at the end of orientation and it was so so so nice.

Participating in orientation really means stepping out of your comfort zone. I like the idea of being valued here in the orientation committee, where people really take your opinions into considerations when we do debrief. It's like you can literally see how everyone just wants to deliver the most perfect orientation experience to the Year 5s. And I hate dancing but I had to dance onstage and I'm always so afraid to be alone with people but I had to lead my OG around alone on the first day. And there were so many people I didn't know but I had to work with them to make everything successful. It meant challenging myself to do the things that I never had the courage to do, and I'm glad I did it (: The kind of friendships you forge here really depends on your attitude towards everything I guess. They can remain merely as working partners if you let that happen. But what I'm most thankful for, is that Homa is really a family and even among the few of us as OGLs and the House Comm, we really sit down to talk about the things going through our heads and open up to everyone. I met people whom I'd never imagine meeting. And those late nights where we spent trying to perfect our performance, or just sitting there and eating; I don't think I'll ever forget those times. To the people that I've spent 2 months with, really, I have seen you guys nearly every day during the holidays and I can't believe it. But what really touched me was the dedication that each and everyone of you had towards orientation. It wasn't just about the responsibility and the fact that we had to fulfill our roles, but the passion that burned in your eyes because you wanted your OGs to experience something that will give them the strength and courage to go through the rest of their Senior High life. Something for them to look back on, and something that wouldn't make them regret coming for orientation. And I admire all of you so much. 

I joined as an OGL for a simple fact that I hoped that being busy with something during the holidays would speed up the process of getting over someone and that I wouldn't have time to think about things that would make me go insane. But I was wrong. I still think about things now, and it doesn't really matter that much anymore. Simply because I have happier memories within me and that I've gained so so so much from it. I remember telling a few people when we were waiting for a ride home, that I was so afraid that people won't appreciate all that we've done, and they just think that it's all stupid. And then I realised that you can't please everyone and that no matter what you do, there will always be people who end up not agreeing with you. But the only thing we can do, is to focus on those who are glad that you are there, and think about what more can you do for them. And I guess one good thing about being such an emotional person, is that I really really really wanted to know each and every one in my OG so much better. And even though time didn't allow for it to happen, seeing the smiles on their faces when I walked into their class on the morning of Day 2, I really cannot be more thankful that these are the people who are glad that I was there to see them through orientation. And that these are the people who said thank you to me and hugged me on the last day of orientation. There were things that I wish could turn out differently, and if only I had more time with this bunch of people. But I can only say that since things can never change and time will never rewind, I'm glad that 5C24 welcomed me into their class despite me being a stranger. 

You can never feel too much love or too much warmth but suddenly when the entire circle of Homanites surrounded us with a group hug, I was thinking that the love and warmth radiating from us could probably make this place explode. And to see them follow us to run around the track and have their arms around each other even though they probably didn't know the person next to them and chanting "HOMA HOMA HOMA"; I really really really couldn't imagine this to happen when I first started off as an OGL. And in the canteen when we bowed to thank them, I really couldn't stop the tears from falling because it all ended too quickly and it was too much to take, seeing how they appreciated everything they did for us even though we could have given them so much more. Some people might ask, how is it possible to feel such a strong bond to your class and to your house in such a short period of time. I'm not sure about anyone else, but for me, it's the sincerity that moved me. It's the fact that these people barely know you, but here they are, willing to step out of their own comfort zone; willing to burn their time; just to give you the warmth of a family. And that's what touched me. It's the sincerity. 

On a sidenote, yesterday I found out that one of my primary school mates was pregnant and now she has a child. And even though I don't know her personally, it was still shocking to find out. To think of it, she's the same age as me and while I'm studying my ass off here, she's starting a new journey as a mother. I guess it's a common misconception that we pity these people and we think that what they're doing is a mistake. But yesterday when I was thinking about it, I realised that they are the same as us. And maybe they don't express themselves as well as we do, but they have feelings too and they're aware of them as much as we are. And even though I'm still against the idea of having a child before birth, but I guess some part of me admires her for taking on the role of a mother at such a young age. Perhaps some people just meet the right one earlier in their life. To know how to love someone unconditionally, and in her case it's loving two people unconditionally, is such a difficult concept to grapple with but she got it and soon she'll see more than just herself. And that's so admirable.