Our love held together by wrinkled hands as we slowly walked across ever sinking sands.
Monday, June 30, 201411:03 PM
"Aspire not to have more but to be more."
Procrastinating as usual instead of reading my Literature text because I feel as if JCTs are over after just one paper. But I would like to congratulate myself for conquering my first History paper in 3 years and even though I was struggling with the paper today (I foresee not passing the paper) but I just feel pretty accomplished. Literature was the only subject in the past that I could get A without even cracking my brain over it but then welcome to Senior High Literature, where passing comes once in a blue moon. Now it's literally the bane of my existence and I feel so crappy whenever I fail. Maybe I'm not even cut out for Humanities 'cause I'm doing so badly at everything. I should probably just quit school.
Clearing old photos from my Instagram account from the days when I first started using it and when I posted all kinds of rubbish. Well, feels nostalgic though.
I've always had this huge issue about people who don't keep their promises and things like that because I think I was too naive in the past and I believed things that people told me wholesale without doubting or whatsoever. Even now, I think I still get a little cheesed off when people just don't do what they told me they would do. But then I was thinking about how humans always have such high tolerance for themselves because as much as we think that we're not good enough, there's still a part of us making allowance for our mistakes and all. And now I'm just worried that one day I'd be the one doing what I've always hated people to do and when that day comes, I really wonder if it was because I didn't have a choice and I was just following my heart. If there's a fear that I would go against my word some day, would I choose to stick to what I promised even when I don't want to just to prove to myself that I'm not like what I hate to be?
Some days I wake up feeling totally different. Like I've decided to embark on a new chapter and everything I've ever known feels foreign. Maybe even unwanted, and I try to think of ways to "fix" things. Which always ends up with me going to sleep and waking up the next day hating myself because I realised that I've done things in the spur of a moment and now I want things back the way it was. I'm so afraid of myself because I never know when I'm right and when I'm wrong and I'm just so so so lost.
On a side note, with Nat Comp just around the corner, somehow I'm not feeling as nervous for the team as I felt back during Zone Comp. It's not because Zone was the entry ticket to Nat and since it's already been secured that I'm feeling so...calm about things. I don't know. I think I just want the kids to know what they want and go after they want and not what others want. When we were NC we were faced with the pressures of the corps and we felt that we had to try so hard to prove ourselves that we were worthy enough. And sure, we did. We won back the national champions trophy which was lost from our corps for ages and we beat the team that were national champions for 2 years (?). Definitely a breakthrough. Realistically, without any accomplishment, no one even looks at you. When we didn't win, some people called us mistakes and said we weren't good enough to be in NC because we were merely substitutes and that the trophy was much more important because it was going to contribute to CAA points for our corps. Such shallow matters to people, such shallow matters that superseded the feelings we felt when we fell short of the expectations of so many people and most importantly ourselves. Now, the pressure isn't as strong anymore on the kids, despite it only being a few years. But I just hope the kids go there and experience what may be once (or twice) in their lifetime, something not everyone will get to experience and just get a hell of an experience. And what truly matters is if they touch their heart and know they've done their best, because back then we didn't even expect much but we came out being the best.
Back to studying I guess. Still stuck in the world of holidays though ):
xoxo,
me