Disclaimer: if you think ranting is annoying then please leave 

I hate it when I feel utterly like crap. I hate it more when the reasons are stupid but it still manages to eat me alive. I hate it when I am the reason why people feel like crap because it was never my intention to hurt you but I just did so along the way, and that makes me a crappy person. 

I hate it when I fall sick, and I know it isn't because the weather changed or someone sneezed in my face, but it's because I am tired and I am not well-rested. I hate it more when I have to be sick to feel alive and living, like I am finally doing something that is worthy enough of my time and effort to tire me out enough to make me sick. I hate it because that just made me sound like a freak and that's some twisted way of feeling alive. 

I hate it when I sit at the computer and just type like my fingers are the keyboard's best friend, but it's just because I don't have a keyboard to type on on my phone because there's no one to tell about all these things. I hate it when I just stare at the ceiling and wonder how I actually got through life feeling so lonely. I hate it when I'm not sure who to trust and who to believe because they turn away some day. I hate it when people don't really care about what I have to say because there's a reason why I would say it, and it's because I want to be heard. I hate it more when I sound like a whiny bitch right now because I'm ranting and I hate that I have to continue or I'd toss and turn all night. I hate it when I wake up and look at my phone and realise that I should have slept in longer so that it'd increase my chances of waking up to someone's text. I hate it when I sit somewhere and just yearn for some comfort and company. 

I hate it that the whole world's just so superficial and disgusting. I hate it that everything just boils down to your grades and how so many people are doing things that they're doing now just for show. I hate it that humans are so downright disgustingly show-off and judgemental and selfish and cunning and evil and hypocritical and everything bad. I hate it that I am one. I hate it that everyone just wants to be a success story. But I hate it that most when people around me do whatever it takes to become one.

I hate it that I am not allowed to feel sad. I hate it when I have to tell people what's happening and I hate it that when people don't ask, I feel worse. I hate it that I don't even understand myself. I hate it when I anger myself so much that I just wish nobody would have allowed me to breathe. I hate it when I feel bad about myself because ironically, I'm what I've got.

I hate it when people talk to me only when it's necessary. I hate it when people think I am a joke and laugh at me and not with me, especially when I am not in the mood for such things. I hate it when people forget that I can't laugh and be happy all day, and expect me to rebound so quickly. I hate it when people make a fool out of me and I am supposed to think it's okay. I hate it when I am not taken seriously. I hate it when people have obviously gotten the message/saw me call/saw me text/whatever but act like they didn't. I hate it most when people ignore me. I hate it when I'd give so much for someone but they would never do the same.

Mostly, I hate myself for having expectations of others. I hate myself for not being good enough even when I try my hardest. I hate myself for losing in every aspect and winning in none. I hate myself for not having the capabilities to not make people walk away and leave. I hate myself for not being able to protect the people I want to protect. I hate myself for not keeping promises. I hate myself for disappointing everyone and everything. I kind of hate myself for writing something filled with so much hatred.

I don't hate this life, but I hate what's going on in my mind now. It just doesn't make sense to love it all.

xoxo,

me

Disclaimer: if you think ranting is annoying then please leave 

I hate it when I feel utterly like crap. I hate it more when the reasons are stupid but it still manages to eat me alive. I hate it when I am the reason why people feel like crap because it was never my intention to hurt you but I just did so along the way, and that makes me a crappy person. 

I hate it when I fall sick, and I know it isn't because the weather changed or someone sneezed in my face, but it's because I am tired and I am not well-rested. I hate it more when I have to be sick to feel alive and living, like I am finally doing something that is worthy enough of my time and effort to tire me out enough to make me sick. I hate it because that just made me sound like a freak and that's some twisted way of feeling alive. 

I hate it when I sit at the computer and just type like my fingers are the keyboard's best friend, but it's just because I don't have a keyboard to type on on my phone because there's no one to tell about all these things. I hate it when I just stare at the ceiling and wonder how I actually got through life feeling so lonely. I hate it when I'm not sure who to trust and who to believe because they turn away some day. I hate it when people don't really care about what I have to say because there's a reason why I would say it, and it's because I want to be heard. I hate it more when I sound like a whiny bitch right now because I'm ranting and I hate that I have to continue or I'd toss and turn all night. I hate it when I wake up and look at my phone and realise that I should have slept in longer so that it'd increase my chances of waking up to someone's text. I hate it when I sit somewhere and just yearn for some comfort and company. 

I hate it that the whole world's just so superficial and disgusting. I hate it that everything just boils down to your grades and how so many people are doing things that they're doing now just for show. I hate it that humans are so downright disgustingly show-off and judgemental and selfish and cunning and evil and hypocritical and everything bad. I hate it that I am one. I hate it that everyone just wants to be a success story. But I hate it that most when people around me do whatever it takes to become one.

I hate it that I am not allowed to feel sad. I hate it when I have to tell people what's happening and I hate it that when people don't ask, I feel worse. I hate it that I don't even understand myself. I hate it when I anger myself so much that I just wish nobody would have allowed me to breathe. I hate it when I feel bad about myself because ironically, I'm what I've got.

I hate it when people talk to me only when it's necessary. I hate it when people think I am a joke and laugh at me and not with me, especially when I am not in the mood for such things. I hate it when people forget that I can't laugh and be happy all day, and expect me to rebound so quickly. I hate it when people make a fool out of me and I am supposed to think it's okay. I hate it when I am not taken seriously. I hate it when people have obviously gotten the message/saw me call/saw me text/whatever but act like they didn't. I hate it most when people ignore me. I hate it when I'd give so much for someone but they would never do the same.

Mostly, I hate myself for having expectations of others. I hate myself for not being good enough even when I try my hardest. I hate myself for losing in every aspect and winning in none. I hate myself for not having the capabilities to not make people walk away and leave. I hate myself for not being able to protect the people I want to protect. I hate myself for not keeping promises. I hate myself for disappointing everyone and everything. I kind of hate myself for writing something filled with so much hatred.

I don't hate this life, but I hate what's going on in my mind now. It just doesn't make sense to love it all.

xoxo,

me