"I can't bear to hear you say goodbye..."

Just something. I wanted to dedicate a post to NA because it's day 5 to Nat Comp but something bad in my screwed up again and I can't even find myself feeling good enough to write about something that is too good for me. I'm sorry NA, but the joy you guys give me somehow will never compare to the crap I feel when things like that happen.

To be honest, I don't know what happened. Or what's happening. All I know is that I don't like what's happening because if I did, I wouldn't be feeling this way. All I know is that life might be better now, but it's still not going the way I want it to go. The things I want to have are so out of reach and they seem to be just a hand space away from others. It's like I have to fight battles after battles just to get the same things others will get. Of course, I pay with a price and day by day, I'm starting to feel like this isn't me. Until now, I don't know what kind of person I am. When I'm happy I just want to let the whole world know that I'm good because such moments are worth treasuring. Why hold in your happiness just because there are people staring? But then there are still pieces of whatever may hold that are hiding underneath this and as much as I want people to know, I don't want to let them in. So you tell me: who am I? 

The more happier I try to be, the more I realise people treat me like I am void of feelings. Literally. It's as if that their words that bring thorns will never hurt me, because they think that I'll get over it or I'd never understand. Bullshit. Is it wrong for me to be like this? Is it right that I have to deal with all these? This is utter bullshit.

Is it okay to take trips down into your heart and mind and realise that it's so so so empty? 

No one likes being with emotional and sad people. Who does? No one likes listening to rants and life stories and 1000 word essays about why their world suck. But tell me how not to be? And it's because we know no one likes being with sad people that we create masks, and we hide behind it so often, I think we don't know which is real and which is just a facade.

I look forward to the days where I can just be comfortable with people, and I don't feel the constant need to impress them or do anything to them because they know who I am and they know what I'm feeling, whether or not I tell them. And these will be the people who are determined to break any walls of mine down because they care enough to see what's on the inside and fix the ruins. These will the people whom I'd race in the rain with, stay up 'til 3AM for, sit on the sand and get wasted together. Because I will trust them, simply because they care enough.

How important am I? It's not the kind of question where I actually require an answer. Because everyone tells me that I mean something to them but when I actually question myself, I always see myself as the last priority of everyone else.

Making no sense at all anyway. My thoughts will never be coherent enough for people to understand. I don't blame you; I barely understand. 

"I can't bear to hear you say goodbye..."

Just something. I wanted to dedicate a post to NA because it's day 5 to Nat Comp but something bad in my screwed up again and I can't even find myself feeling good enough to write about something that is too good for me. I'm sorry NA, but the joy you guys give me somehow will never compare to the crap I feel when things like that happen.

To be honest, I don't know what happened. Or what's happening. All I know is that I don't like what's happening because if I did, I wouldn't be feeling this way. All I know is that life might be better now, but it's still not going the way I want it to go. The things I want to have are so out of reach and they seem to be just a hand space away from others. It's like I have to fight battles after battles just to get the same things others will get. Of course, I pay with a price and day by day, I'm starting to feel like this isn't me. Until now, I don't know what kind of person I am. When I'm happy I just want to let the whole world know that I'm good because such moments are worth treasuring. Why hold in your happiness just because there are people staring? But then there are still pieces of whatever may hold that are hiding underneath this and as much as I want people to know, I don't want to let them in. So you tell me: who am I? 

The more happier I try to be, the more I realise people treat me like I am void of feelings. Literally. It's as if that their words that bring thorns will never hurt me, because they think that I'll get over it or I'd never understand. Bullshit. Is it wrong for me to be like this? Is it right that I have to deal with all these? This is utter bullshit.

Is it okay to take trips down into your heart and mind and realise that it's so so so empty? 

No one likes being with emotional and sad people. Who does? No one likes listening to rants and life stories and 1000 word essays about why their world suck. But tell me how not to be? And it's because we know no one likes being with sad people that we create masks, and we hide behind it so often, I think we don't know which is real and which is just a facade.

I look forward to the days where I can just be comfortable with people, and I don't feel the constant need to impress them or do anything to them because they know who I am and they know what I'm feeling, whether or not I tell them. And these will be the people who are determined to break any walls of mine down because they care enough to see what's on the inside and fix the ruins. These will the people whom I'd race in the rain with, stay up 'til 3AM for, sit on the sand and get wasted together. Because I will trust them, simply because they care enough.

How important am I? It's not the kind of question where I actually require an answer. Because everyone tells me that I mean something to them but when I actually question myself, I always see myself as the last priority of everyone else.

Making no sense at all anyway. My thoughts will never be coherent enough for people to understand. I don't blame you; I barely understand.